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A long shortcut, I think?

by 15andfuckedup

One choice, one option, one and only thing that feels right to do. I’m in my junior year and as it’s believed that junior year is the most ‘important’ or whatever. So yeah, everyone expects and thinks that the entire day I keep studying in my room cause I had to tell them that I need to be alone if I am studying. But anyway, school is the last thing that I could be doing (no matter how much my “friends” call me a nerd). So yeah, now I can’t even be sad, I just have to keep pretending to study which is horrible. It is fucking horrible. It’s tiring to pretend to be ok everyday in front of the people who claim that they love me or who were destined to be my family. But now I think that I have to hide the pain (from myself) and be normal in front of myself too. Cause that’s the only option left. And yeah I’ve heard the theory that if we try to hide our negativity from ourselves again and again, then one day that negativity would come out as an explosion, destroying everything and mocking all those days and months that helped us to hide that pain. But, you know what, fuck it, let it happen, let it come out one day and put an end to me. I don’t care if I would be ready for that explosion or not, but at least I won’t face these tiny burning matches everyday (I’m not sure, but I think so). It’s like a single bullet is a lot better than dying little by little. Okay, so there are two ways to interpret the last sentence. The first one is, in simple words, commiting suicide. While the second one is, in a bit twisted words, postponing suicide. And idgaf if the second one sounds maniac cause I’ve tried to do the first one and I didn’t complete it. So, now I’m left with the second option, just let it be, let the pain sink inside me, let the dark thoughts rest for a while, let me keep convincing myself that I am normal. Let me slap the negative feelings and push them back inside. Idk if this will help me or not but if I tried the first method, I have to be unbiased with the second one too. (Some of you might be thinking that there’s a third or fourth or god knows how many other options which are way better, like dealing with my issues, seeking help from a pro, medications, etc etc.) But all these won’t work for me (I know they won’t, I’m sure they won’t). Now, just a little reminder that I AM NOT ACCEPTING THESE THOUGHTS, I’M JUST LETTING THEM CRAWL DEEPER SO THAT THEY GET LOST IN SOMEWHERE AND TAKE A WHILE TO FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO ME. And in this while, let me just have peace and the power of being normal.

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Christina_the_Cat 5/1/2020 - 1:24 pm

I also had moments in my life when the darkness kept growing deeper and deeper within me and I felt helpless, as if there was nothing I could do. I pretended I was alright but I wasn’t. But one day, I decided to open up to people. I realized that I wasn’t alone and that there were people who understood me. My mom brought me a lot of comfort. Thank you for sharing your story here. Now the next step would be to talk to someone: it should remove a huge burden off your shoulders.

15andfuckedup 5/1/2020 - 2:19 pm

Nice to hear that your mom could comfort and understand you… As for me, I’ve tried to talk to people…. My mom, my ex-best friend, my brother, some other dude and some other girl and whenever I’ve opened up to them, I lost more hope because I didn’t get any help… It just keeps getting worse and now… I’m starting to have anger issues… So it just keeps on increasing… My mom, being the most recent one I’ve talked to, thinks that depression doesn’t even exist… So Idk wtf is happening… I’m too much of a failure to even die and as for living, it is sucking everything out of me… Piece by piece, every minute.
The thought of killing myself never goes away… And I don’t understand why am I not brave enough to take my own life when it is my life… It’s my life so I have the right to take it or do whatever the hell I want… But why am I not doing that?

Christina_the_Cat 5/4/2020 - 12:16 pm

I used to be in the same situation: I hated living, but was too afraid to commit suicide. As if something within me was keeping me away from it, but I didn’t know what, nor why… Now I am glad I didn’t kill myself. I’m sure that you still have something to do here on Earth, that you have an unknown reason to stay (which might reveal itself sooner or later). Try talking to a psychologist or a teacher: it might help.

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