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cease

by thehusk

This isn’t hell. Or even purgatory. I can imagine far worse things than this. But it is one of the shittier lives you could choose. I’m fairly sure it would be better if it didn’t exist.

For whatever reason I’m not ending it. But I don’t know if there’s any way to make things less shitty.

The problem is me. My mind is fucked. My character and personality are fucked. The way I think and feel about things is fucked. The me that tries to change or do things differently is the same me that is the problem.

I don’t know if I can change that. Can you just stop being a twisted narcissistic monster? Can you choose not to want to do terrible things?

I don’t want to live with this anymore

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5 comments

randomthoughts57 4/18/2020 - 8:18 pm

i really related with this post tbh i am shitty person and ik it ppl tell me im not but ik i am and i have these terrible thoughts all the time but i can’t control them. im super narcissistic and idk what do with it anymore. im not good at helping ppl out i wish i could but honestly im in the same boat as you are 🙁

thehusk 4/19/2020 - 6:43 am

I’m not much good at helping people either, though that doesn’t stop me giving advice. I think there’s different degrees of terrible – some can be forgiven, some can’t. If you can imagine at least one person in this world who could tolerate the worst of you, then you don’t have to be completely alone (which is the position I’m in).

Yoges 4/19/2020 - 4:30 pm

“The me that tries to change or do things differently is the same me that is the problem.”
There’s an interesting paradox.

Then maybe you’d better off believing in the idea of a soul that is inert from the pollution of the mind (never mind whether it’s all bollocks). If you choose to identify with the soul, you can always hope to reform your mind.
Just jump on the high horse and put all blame on the sucker 🙂

thehusk 4/19/2020 - 5:46 pm

I don’t think I could believe something because it’s useful, rather than a reasonable guess at reality.

I’m also not sure a soul would be any freer from pollution than a mind. What’s doing the hoping, the reforming, the choosing? If it’s a soul, then surely the soul also chose to be corrupt and disgusting and evil in the first place.

I think all I can do is accept that I have this awfulness in me, but that it isn’t all of me. It’s strong enough to resist direct attempts to change it, but not to completely control all my actions. Over time it may shift, but right now it’s a huge part of me. I’ll have to make peace with that, but it’s a lonely road.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/20/2020 - 5:00 am

I don’t think things could get any worse for me personally, I’m beginning to believe that I am actually in hell. I can’t imagine anything worse than what I currently am facing, other than perhaps to be murdered or shot when you aren’t prepared.

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