This isn’t hell. Or even purgatory. I can imagine far worse things than this. But it is one of the shittier lives you could choose. I’m fairly sure it would be better if it didn’t exist.
For whatever reason I’m not ending it. But I don’t know if there’s any way to make things less shitty.
The problem is me. My mind is fucked. My character and personality are fucked. The way I think and feel about things is fucked. The me that tries to change or do things differently is the same me that is the problem.
I don’t know if I can change that. Can you just stop being a twisted narcissistic monster? Can you choose not to want to do terrible things?
I don’t want to live with this anymore