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dark thoughts

by vagabond

So… Anyone else here think that so called  i n c e l s  aren’t wrong?

I’m handsome. I don’t need to worry about shit like that. But the sheerly arbitrary nature of life/existence has always stuck with me. You know how it all goes. People ignore people who are too mentally ill or ugly for society. And for what? To chase the goal of pointless procreation.

Technically speaking,  to someone in such harsh circumstances, every normal life lived could be viewed as an affront, their lives stand as a testament to refuse to acknowledge the arbitrary nature of reality…

I’m detached from reality. Whenever I get high (marijuana) I feel normal again. The real me only comes out when I’m high. I’m not speaking remotely figuratively here. I’m literally detached from reality. As in, oblivious, to a degree, to what I am doing and experiencing. When I get high I suddenly become aware of how I’m feeling. I guess I shut off long ago to protect myself.

I don’t like getting high. Whenever I get high, everything seems so harsh and metallic and disparate. It reminds me of that girl who killed someone while on antidepressants and said it was because people aren’t real, they’re robots. I’ve been where she’s been because I’ve taken them. It’s scary as fuck. But maybe it’s real. But would you really want to see that? To strive for that as the truth, out of virtue? Fairly certain Eastern philosophy posits there is no absolute truth. Some people believe there are only points of view. Maybe the problem with the West is that we think there’s absolute, objective truth. But the whole “points of reference” thing just doesn’t feel right to me. But what is it that is driving us toward such truths anyway? Man, I’m stupid.

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8 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/15/2020 - 9:33 am

Sometimes it seems like our type, this special kind of person that has no use for living, is another breed to the standard depressed person. I don’t think one person on this site has said that antidepressants have helped them, I know they help some people but clearly it’s not working with this group. They didn’t help me either.

I can relate to feeling more like yourself when high, I attributed it to having an explanation for the fucked up feelings so you don’t feel so alienated from your body.

DOA 4/15/2020 - 9:53 am

never had antidepressants and actually i talk to an old member on fb and he says they are helping him but its a slow process that takes years but hes slowly getting better. ive only ever had antipsychotics and they made me 1) go insane 2) sleep 15-20hrs 3) make me really sick. so i never really had the chance to give them a chance.

this reminds me of an episode of dharma and greg though. (in case youve never seen it a bit of back story. dharma is a free spirited hippie child and greg is a lawyer) so they were digging up dharmas parents yard and they found her uncle pintos remains (it was his last wish and the family is weird so just go with it lol) anyway the water/power company wanted to put some pipes in through their yard. dharma was reburying the remains so she was doing this service thing but it looked like she was talking to flowers. long story short (i know this so wasnt short haha) greg told the city worker that dharma nuts (literally the word he used) to try and get rid of them and the rest of the episode the city workers talked to her really slow and all that other offensive stuff.

in some cases i get it. it might take some people a bit to pick up on things but if any of us were to tell someone that didnt know us on a daily basis that we were mentally unstable they would immediately treat us like we are stupid or with fear when really we are just like them, we just had a really hard go at life. and its behavior like that that only makes our situation worse. of course its not our fault people are stupid and dont care.

_loser_ 4/15/2020 - 10:15 am

What do you mean by an explanation? I feel worse when I’m high. I know that’s how I’m supposed to be because I’m more connected with reality but it’s always too much for me, too overwhelming. A couple of times I’ve fainted.

DOA 4/15/2020 - 10:18 am

i think (correct me if im wrong) they mean they feel weird with or without the weed (as i feel that way myself) but at least with weed theres an explanation for the feeling. a reason for it.

_loser_ 4/15/2020 - 10:43 am

That just sounds like using the weed to write off feelings you know are caused by something else.

DOA 4/15/2020 - 10:49 am

the weed creates its only little weird feeling slightly different from not being high. aside from that you are overall correct. but the “something else” is unexplained, part of a mental disorder where life just isnt right anymore. where as with the weed you can explain it, its not just something random that you have no idea about.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/15/2020 - 11:53 am

Yep, DOA got it. And it is a way of writing off my feelings, since I can’t make them go away at least I can cope by making myself feel something understandable.

DOA 4/15/2020 - 12:08 pm

everyones different so i wasnt 100% sure it was the same for you

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