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Hell Week (and Giving Up)

by J Doe

I have 4 tests, 1 project due, 1 final essay, and I have to drive 8 hours to college station to clear out my apartment as well as look for a new apartment over there for next semester. I have a span of week to do this all. 3 of the 4 tests are finals non of which I studied for, I haven’t even looked at what I need to correct on my essay yet, and I’m really iffy on the project report. All in all, it’s the end of the semester. And I’m still slacking off. It’s Hell Week. The time of year where I stress and stress and lose sleep and cram and beg and plead for it all to be over. This year has a bit of a twist through with all the pandemic stuff going on. The professors have no idea how to end the semester given that all their careful planing got screwed up. Maybe there is a silver lining and they will be merciful with a curve. Then there is the cherry on top. The fact that I still think about her, even during hell week. You’d think that my main focus would be all this shit I have to contend with, which it is, but I can’t help by wander my mind over to her every now and again. Even during a time like this, I can’t get her off my mind. It’s real sad and pathetic. It’s a fact now that something like this is not normal. That my obsession, and I will call it that and I’m not going to mince words anymore, is unhealthy and just plain sad. A few years ago I wrote my “About Love” post. It was just my internal thoughts about the subject. How I viewed it more as a sickness than anything. How it only really hurts a person and takes root in their head until it constricts and chokes out everything in there, like a weed. I hesitate to say the love word in regards to anyone I have feelings for. It’s such an intimidating declaration. I won’t say that’s how I feel about her, because how would I even know what that feeling is. I will admit I have feelings for her, but like I stated earlier, it is becoming more and more apparent that it is an unhealthy obsession more than anything else. As mentioned before, I have told her about this place and she knows who I am on here.
If she didn’t think I was creepy before, she sure as shit does now. I doubt it matters now. If the last 10 posts didn’t scare her off, then this is probably no surprise. For all I know telling her about this place is what drove her away. Maybe and maybe not. Who knows. Regardless, the me from a few years ago would see me as pathetic and sad. It’s a good thing that my ideals have more or less remained consistent.

Addendum:
I felt like I had more to say, but I didn’t see any point in making a new post about it. I guess it is time to stop trying to contact her. After thinking about it and just being honest with myself, I realize that it’s over. There is nothing a can do to try and reach her. This whole thing is unhealthy and I just need to stop. So congratulations to boxcar who made me realize that I was being a sad creepy asshole about the whole thing. Thanks you fucking asshole. I don’t really mean that, but I guess after someone simply just said that I was being creepy about it, it finally just stuck. I guess I was just waiting for someone to tell me it was wrong, even though I knew it already. I already let her know what I think and how I feel. If she ever decides to talk again, it’s not like I won’t listen. But for now I guess I’ll just stop. What a pointless exercise these last two months have been. This last year has been. Whatever. Hope it sticks this time.

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boxcar 5/11/2020 - 4:23 am

Ohhey! I just saw this. I’m an asshole,,it’s fine…
I relate to your threads 100~ your blog reminds me of me in high school, crushing on just one person for years and quietly going crazy because it felt like a disease I couldn’t shake.
It’s different now. Im wondering if you’ve had a first-love, long term relationship in the past. Learning to work with commitment and boundaries (change) for someone you love is something you can’t unlearn…the understanding of what it means to love someone…
And in my opinion, if you grow your experiences with real people you must interact with, these unrequited fixations will vanish/(you’ll grow out of them).
I’m not saying you’re immature. I’m saying that there’s something about not possessing the feeling of true sacrifice and interaction that magnifies the feeling of infatuation/unrequited love.

boxcar 5/11/2020 - 4:25 am

As far as dating, I mean.
Not just talking to people in general.

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