I’m completely alone, and I think I always will be, because I’m twisted and I’ve done unforgivable things. I’m not just isolated physically but morally, socially, emotionally. I’m cut off from humanity.
This leads to feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness. Because what’s the point, if you’re always going to be alone? What are you living for?
So I keep thinking I should kill myself. And yet I don’t. And I’m not sure that’s a good choice. It seems like things are pretty bad already, and could easily get much worse. Why face that? For what?
I think what I want is resolution, one way or the other, so I can stop constantly thinking about it. If I’m going to live I want confidence that my reasons for doing so are sound – that it’s worth the risk. If not, I want to be at peace with the idea of ending my life, and to start to really work towards that.