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How do you decide whether to live or die?

by thehusk

I’m completely alone, and I think I always will be, because I’m twisted and I’ve done unforgivable things. I’m not just isolated physically but morally, socially, emotionally. I’m cut off from humanity.

This leads to feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness. Because what’s the point, if you’re always going to be alone? What are you living for?

So I keep thinking I should kill myself. And yet I don’t. And I’m not sure that’s a good choice. It seems like things are pretty bad already, and could easily get much worse. Why face that? For what?

I think what I want is resolution, one way or the other, so I can stop constantly thinking about it. If I’m going to live I want confidence that my reasons for doing so are sound – that it’s worth the risk. If not, I want to be at peace with the idea of ending my life, and to start to really work towards that.

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16 comments

Christina_the_Cat 4/26/2020 - 11:57 pm

Maybe you could move out. This will give you a fresh start and many new opportunities to make friends. People won’t know about your past, so you’ll be able to fully concentrate on the present.

thehusk 4/29/2020 - 7:36 am

I’ve moved a lot (last was around 8 months ago.) I ruin every fresh start, because every time I bring my same issues with me. I’m also averse to social contact – I can’t risk letting anyone in. No one knows about my past except a couple of therapists. That’s kind of the problem – knowing no one could really know or accept me. That’s what makes it all so hopeless. Any relationships I do build are based on deceiving the other person into believing that I’m safe to associate with.

Christina_the_Cat 5/1/2020 - 1:46 pm

This reminds me of when I was small and started playing piano. At the beginning I sucked, but I tried over and over again until I could play pretty well. Human relationships are like that: you must fail and try again at least dozens of times until you are somehow good enough. It’s not easy, but you must never give up.
What makes you think no one could really know or accept you? Are you a serial killer? No you’re not! You’re a very relatable human being. Everyone has some darkness within himself: I have also committed many errors, yet I have received forgiveness. Maybe you should try a different way of socializing. Start with some small talk, then reveal yourself step by step. No one climbs a mountain all at once. So open up progressively.

thehusk 5/2/2020 - 12:46 am

Not a serial killer, but closer to that than a relatable person. I’ve done genuinely terrible things, that would put me in danger if anyone knew.

Christina_the_Cat 5/4/2020 - 12:05 pm

I relate to you: I know what it is to be haunted by remorseful thoughts. But I regretted my actions and became a better person. I couldn’t fix my past, so instead I built myself a good future. It might not happen suddenly, but you must stay strong. The fact that you are not proud of your past means that you want to change and can change. Who you were in the past is not who you are now and not who you will be. Since you’re using a pseudonym on this website, do you feel safe confessing here what you have done? It might relieve you. (Only if you’re ok with it, don’t rush)

thehusk 5/4/2020 - 2:26 pm

Shame doesn’t mean I have the motivation to change. Believe me, I’ve been through months of therapy, trying to let go of that part of me. It’s
just too integral to truly want to give up. I’ve moderated my actions a bit, but the impulse is still there, and it’s not going away.

I don’t feel safe confessing, even anonymously. That’s a reflection of how bad the thing is. I’ve talked about it to therapists in the past, but I wouldn’t feel safe doing so again. And it didn’t help anyway. Nothing anyone says can make it less socially unforgivable, no matter how professional they are about it. Or remove the part of me that wanted to do it in the first place.

But I appreciate you trying to be helpful. Laying out the hopelessness of it all makes me feel a little less alone with it for a while.

Christina_the_Cat 5/6/2020 - 2:26 am

It’s ok if you don’t feel safe confessing it. You know better than me what is good for you. No, shame doesn’t mean you have the motivation to change, but it does mean there is room for change. Those who are never ashamed never improve themselves. And I believe in real change, not the suppression of who you are. I believe in changing the way you use what is within you in order to have a positive impact around you. For example, I know someone who has anger management issues. Instead of punching others, he punches a bag and thus has a strong body because of all his training. His strength helps him fulfill a lot of tasks that help people. You cannot remove part of yourself, but you can accomplish something better through it. I used to commit almost daily sexual impurities, but now I direct my desires only towards my dear husband and barely even think about what I used to do (won’t tell you all the details). I used to steal, lie and harm people (even physically!), but now I use my abilities in a productive way. I still have to work on my pride, my laziness and my gluttony, but I improve little by little. I just need patience and perseverance. I feel confortable telling you about my evil actions, because we both have a dark past, though yours is surely darker. I know you understand me.

thehusk 5/7/2020 - 5:19 am

I can’t really see any way to turn that part of me toward anything helpful. It’s just too twisted. Especially not while being so uneasy around others. Which is partly to do with fear of discovery.

There’s a significant difference between personal impurities (which may damage the way you see yourself), and unforgivable acts (which permanently alter how everyone else sees you.) Aside from the most serious acts of violence, most things are forgivable. A few things you just can’t come back from, because they say something more significant about you.

Some acts make you permanently unsafe in the eyes of others. Because we can never be sure that what motivated the person to do those things is really gone. If I know you killed someone partly in self-defence, it’s not a problem, because it’s not a threat to me. But if I know you killed someone purely because you enjoyed it, even if it was years ago, it’s unlikely that I’ll ever feel safe around you, no matter how much you appear to have changed.

I’ve never killed anyone, but I know the unsafe part of me isn’t gone. The feelings are still there, strong as ever. They’re just directed in a slightly less bad direction. I’m not safe to be involved with others. Which leads to despair.

Christina_the_Cat 5/9/2020 - 3:02 am

Oh yeah, these huge mistakes of the past that make your life feel like a wine-stained T-shirt you don’t want to wear anymore… Then you’re ashamed of walking in public with it and you don’t know where to find enough water and soap to clean it. Maybe there isn’t, or at least you cannot find it. I have lost the trust of so many people and no matter how much I changed, I cannot win back some of their hearts. But with time, I got used to it and learned to let go. In the end, it’s what my conscience thinks about me that really matters. I’m in peace right now because I have turned back from my evil ways. I hope someday you’ll find someone who will see the white under the wine and that these feelings won’t take too much control of you, that they won’t make you commit the same errors. Two years ago, a guy urinated on me. Four years ago, another one hit me. Six years ago, one of my best friends bit my arm and it really hurt me: I saw the red traces of his teeth on my skin. He also called me a viper. Now, I still hang out with all these guys and I feel very safe around them. I know they would never do that again. Look out for people who have a similar past to yours, but have given up on the terrible stuff they used to do. They might understand you and perceive you differently.

thehusk 5/10/2020 - 1:15 pm

I don’t think I could ever risk letting anyone else see that side of me. Even disregarding shame, it’s too much of a threat. The number of people with a past like mine is relatively small, still less those who have really turned their back on it. Which I haven’t fully. The feelings behind it are still very much present. I can’t honestly renounce it, because a deep part of me is still convinced it’s the best thing ever. But I also can’t deny my guilt.

Christina_the_Cat 5/12/2020 - 10:22 am

It’s absolutely normal to still feel tempted: it takes time and a lot of patience to be pure again. I say this because I still have these kind of feelings sometimes and I know how hard it is to renounce to what used to bring so much pleasure. How about joining an anonymous group of people with a similar past to yours? It could help you resist and you could share your past with others who understand you.

thehusk 5/14/2020 - 8:38 am

I tried an online group for similar people in the past. It didn’t really help and I can’t face the risk again. When I’m in the mindset of wanting to give in, I simply stop engaging with such resources. Talking about my past really didn’t help at all. It didn’t reduce the shame or despair, and even within that very specific group I didn’t feel anyone really understood why I am how I am. Their reasons for what they’d done were very different from mine. I’m not sure I understand myself.

I don’t know how to manage the conflict between these different sides of me.

Christina_the_Cat 5/15/2020 - 12:31 am

I remember being in a similar situation: I felt that people couldn’t understand me and that even I didn’t understand myself. Well, I was right. And it’s still the case now, only that I’ve learned to accept it. My feelings contradict themselves and that’s ok! I guess it’s this complexity that makes us, humans, unique. A few close friends (3) understand essential parts of me, but not all parts. Yet I’m satisfied because even though I’m often misunderstood, at least some people can relate to me. I wish you had someone who could relate to you! :((( We’re all conflicted individuals somehow, so my advice for you is, whenever a battle starts within you, to relax, take a deep breath and think.

thehusk 5/16/2020 - 7:35 am

I think for me it’s mostly about wanting a romantic relationship – to feel really close to someone. But if I can’t ever let anyone in, because I know the truth would be unacceptable to them, then I can’t have that. So any relationship I do form is based on deceit.

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/16/2020 - 9:06 am

I know you might feel alienated by not sharing everything with a romantic interest, but not everyone you love or are close to has to know everything about you. I’ve been married for 10 years and there are still things my partner doesn’t know, it’s healthy to have some privacy since no one can ever relate to exactly your life experience.
You might have done something horrible, and even if you want to do it again, the shame you feel can help you avoid doing it. Shame has its usefulness but don’t let it dictate that you don’t deserve to find friends/love, those people are who you lean on when you struggle, even if they don’t know what your leaning on them for.

thehusk 5/16/2020 - 7:48 pm

Are the things your partner doesn’t know things that they wouldn’t be able to accept if they did? Things that would leave them feeling tricked, devastated, betrayed, morally contaminated etc. if they ever came out? It just seems deceitful to leave out such key things about myself. Things that would stop others even considering entering a relationship in the first place. And if I really cared about someone, I wouldn’t want to do that to them.

But you’re right about the importance of relationships. That’s what makes me feel so conflicted. I feel like if I could establish meaningful relationships, it would play a large part in holding me back from sinking to the same depths again. But the question is how, when I can’t risk opening up about who I really am?

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