I went to the roof I stood on the edge… I saw the boulevard… It looked beautiful from up there… There was a gentle breeze… I felt peaceful in a long time, just by standing at that edge, waiting to jump… Reminiscing everything good that life had given me and feeling bad that I didn’t have the balls to tell my family about everything I had gone through… Hell, I even recalled eighth grade geography and those fucking trigonometric equations… I had my phone with me… I had deleted everything on it cause that was highly confidential bullshit… More like the fucked up shit you don’t want anyone to see… Before erasing everything on my phone, I looked at my old pictures… Eight year old me didn’t know what stress was… Five year old me just knew two things- study and play… Ten year old me just wanted to be a geologist… Three year old me was adored by everyone… Twelve year old me was worried about two things – cramps and grades… Also, twelve year old me didn’t know what was coming ahead in her life… And then it came and then I became fucked up… All these thoughts were running through my mind… And it had hardly been three minutes since I got up on the edge… Well, I was lucky enough as no one could be seen roaming around the streets, seeing me and telling me to stop because of the virus… Even if they were, I didn’t want to stop… I’ve gotten so far and now just one thing… Just free fall… Let the gravity control you… Just one step… Maybe two… Fuck, just jump… I was feeling my heart in my hands, on my neck, on my face, it felt like my heart was moving here and there inside my body… I took off my glasses, stuffed them into my pocket… Closed my eyes… My nails digging my palms… My heart beating was the only thing I could hear… I opened my eyes for a last look of everything… Then closed them again… And then I took a step… Then another… And hit the floor… Of the roof… Wait, what?… How did I… I was… Reality hits hard… I couldn’t get up on my feet as I was too afraid to face the pathetic loser I had become… I took, not one but two, steps back… I fucked up… I… Just kill me… Shoot me in my head, face, poison me, hang me, stab me, punch me, beat me… Just kill me… I wanted to escape… I thought I had found a way to get over everything… But I forgot one thing about mental illness… It never ends…
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22 comments
Maybe there is enough light to hold you back. I’m glad you’re still here.
Idk if there’s enough light or not. I feel like maybe I was too afraid to die.
It’s natural to be afraid to die. Just hang in there, you will have better days.
Idk what to say. Thanks.
i joined this website when i was 15 as well.
now im 17.
live life regardless or how fucky it gets
because apparently it all goes away or something eventually.
Does it really go away tho?
Is it bad I actually laughed about this. I keep telling people it will get better but I was suicidal at 15 and now I’m 30 and suicidal but really there was some good times in there somewhere.
Yeah, I’ve been this way for most of the past two years and that’s why I don’t think it is supposed to get any better. The good times are highly minute and they just don’t last more than a couple seconds
it does it get better. but you have to work at it. for a lot of years. and theres still relapse.
so if you want to work at it, yes. i personally dont feel like it.
No offense, but if it got better for you then how come you’re still here?
And yes, I’m still not sure if I am ready to work at it or not
i never said it got better for me. if fact i specifically said i dont want to try to make it better. all i said was its possible and i know this because ive put countless hours into research on how to make myself better. and i dont know what you have and you probably dont know what i have so please dont take offense to this next part im just explaining i dont just have depression.
i have a personality disorder that basically doubles as a mood disorder. dissociation. something like schizophrenia. really bad paranoia (i wouldnt say extreme because i still go about my daily life and im not curled up in a corner but it definitely effects my life) and i think cptsd. idk ptsd says something about nightmares when all i really do is have my memories on repeat the entire time im awake.
point is, if i want to get better i can. it just takes a lot of work that i dont feel like doing.
@DOA I appreciate you helping others get better even when you’re going through that much.. but here’s another mortified thing with me… Like I said in this post, my fam doesn’t know about what I’m going through. They don’t know shit about me. And even if some part of me is willing to seek help, it can’t because – a. I’ve never been to a therapist or something like that and b. because of a. I need to tell my parents everything if I want to go to a professional. And I just don’t know how and what to tell them and that’s when willingness to help myself gets destroyed.
depending on how bad it is you might not need a therapist. i was originally looking at at home therapy options originally. thats how i ended up with 2 cats lol.
Maybe I don’t need a therapist but I need to know whatever the fuck is wrong with me… Btw I love cats or at least I think I adore/adored them (even tho I’ve never had one)
knowing typically is a good place to start. what i did was basically search the different problems i was having until i came across something that matched what i was feeling and thinking perfectly, although a psychiatrist did agree with my findings. also i went to Wikipedia and learned about different therapies that might help.
I think I wanna talk to you cause it might help me understand… I forgot it. How can I talk to you?
facebook. i put a link to my account on a post but i cant remember if it was yours or someone elses. or even what the post was about
This is why I say hang on, in a few short years you can get professional help without consulting your parents first. My parents decided religion was all I needed and everything would be perfect, parents aren’t always open-minded. You can change your whole world once you are free from your parents, that’s why I say to hang in there and see if it will get better. Change happens often, and big changes happen when you’re young.
There is a lot you can do without a therapist like DOA said, take time to research some ideas and try a few things.
I don’t think I’ll ever be free from my parents… But I would do research like you two said
It’s been years since I was on this site and I remembered it randomly and wanted to reach out to someone who might nee the helping hand just as how I needed it back then when I couldn’t bear to tell anyone what I was going through in my life. Your post stuck out to me.
Would you mind if I reached out to you directly?
Thank you for offering help. How, exactly?
Just let me know and thank you for for your time.