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I Screwed Up Again

by J Doe

I called her a total of five times yesterday. I texted her a total of two times yesterday. I screwed up again. I was just really frustrated with the whole situation. It’s been almost two months since she ghosted me, and I was getting tired of it. I was tired of being ignored. I know things are probably pretty bad for her right now what with the quarantine and all. She probably hasn’t been able to get the medical help she needs for her mental health. That makes her withdrawn. But I was still tired of it. Tired of not knowing anything. Tired of only being met with silence. Tired of going back and forth thinking that I just need to give her space and time and she’ll talk to me again and then thinking that she wants nothing to do with me because I said or did something wrong. I just wish I had something. Some sort of answer, even if it’s a bad one. Even if she doesn’t want me in her life because of something I did, at least I know why. I don’t know anything. I’m sure what I did yesterday just pushed her further away. She probably thinks I’m a freak and harassing her. I don’t know. Not like it really matters anymore. I wish my next therapy session wasn’t two weeks away. I’d really like to talk to someone now. Whatever.

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Itscolourlife 4/26/2020 - 4:36 pm

Reading yours make me jealous..
Here I am so lonely, loving someone that normal and dont understand how i feel.. idk.. maybe he know.. maybe he didnt.. bit even tho he know he wont do anything..
He just stand there.. doing nothing.. until i reach him.. crying for help.. but i never did that again.. cause 1 times when i did that.. he scold me for being weak and crybaby..

J Doe 4/26/2020 - 8:15 pm

I’m sorry. I hope you find someone who treats you better.

boxcar 4/27/2020 - 1:56 am

two months is a long time. sounds like she’s avoiding and you’re insisting and you should respect the boundary that’s been placed.

J Doe 4/27/2020 - 4:20 am

And if she doesn’t want me in her life, that’s fine. But tell me. Don’t just disappear without an explanation. And before you say “sometimes you just don’t get closure”, I can not count the times where I just let things lie. Where I walk away because that’s what I was expected to do. I have let so many people just go without a single word. I’m putting my foot down and saying I at least deserve an explanation. I deserve at least that much.

boxcar 4/28/2020 - 7:16 am

Maybe you do, but think about how she sees you the more you insist. To her, it isn’t gutsy to keep trying. You might come off as *Insecure/controlling /by demanding her time despite her not responding.
*unstable/by not giving space and seeming like you’re too clingy.
*abusive/ not saying you are’ but when you txt and call more than 5 times a day, all the time, it might convey to her that you have stalking tendencies. Stalking behavior is abuse and has its own power-control wheel.
1. Broke into your home
2. Violated a protection order
3. Attempted to break into your car
4. Threatened to cause you harm
______ 5. Injured / killed a pet
6. Broke into your car
7. Attempted to harm you
8. Physically harmed you
9. Attempted to break into your home
10. Physically harmed himself
11. Stole/read your mail
12. Damaged the property of your new partner
13. Threatened to harm himself
______ 14. Threatened violence to friends/family members
______ 15. Threatening family members/friends
______ 16. Electronic Stalking, i.e. computer, phone, electronic equipment
17. Made calls to you at your home when you didn’t want him to
18. Came to your home when you didn’t want him to
19. Followed you
20. Made hang-up telephone calls
21. Sent you unwanted gifts
22. Made calls to you at work when you didn’t want him to
23. Watched you
24. Came to your workplace / school when you didn’t want him to
25. Left messages on your answering machine, voicemail, texts, email
26. Sent photographs when you didn’t want him to
27. Made threats to your new partner
______ 28. Attempting to get you in trouble/fired from job by making false acquisitions
29. Sent letters/gifts to you when you didn’t want him to
30. Harmed your new partners
______ 31. Attempting to have your children taken away from you by calling/contacting
CPS and making false report
______ 32. Attempting to contact victim through friends/family members
Already, you’ve done some of these things. Again, you aren’t horrible, but she might feel differently/worse about you the more you do it.

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