I am a spoiled lazy kid and my easy life is too hard of a task for me. I just want to quit and give up sometimes. I hate my father, he did nothing for me other then made me feel ashamed of myself by constantly pointing out my shortcomings and insecurities also he used to beat me. When I was 16 I got drunk he went after me and I tried to defend myself and I punched him in the face and made him a black eye he then almost choked me to death if some people didnt rescue me. He said that I deserve to have my hands cut off and I will burn in hell for attacking my own father (he is fanatic christian paradoxically in one of the least religious countries int he world). Maybe I ´m too hard on him he had problems of his own probably but I just dont think people are born hating their father for no reason and I have no feelings but hate and disgust for him. My stepfather thinks I am a parasyte in his house and sometimes talks about me in that way. In some way its true. Also he said he has completely given up on me. For most of the time he ignores me which is nice. I like him much better then my biological father.
I can blame other people all I want but deep down I know its all my fault. Im aware that its all in my head and Im just doing this to myself but still I cant get out of it. The fact that Im aware of it makes it only worse. All I can do is complain and cry like here right now. I enjoy smoking weed but Im just maintaining at this point, it doesnt even get me high. I tried to stop but it didnt change shit in my life. I didnt get any withdrawls but life was as shitty and even more.
I´m just gonna end up like the loser who killed himself because he couldnt “get laid”. I dont know what is so off about me that no girl wants to be with me. Over the last couple of years I think I have fairly improved my social skills and I can talk to girls nowadays without shaking or getting visibly awkward for the most part. Sometimes I still have bad moments. But still even if I talk to girls nothing has changed, Im just not desirable material I guess. I think I dont look bad and I dont think looks are that important for guys but I just have a boring loser personality. Girls can sense that they are above me and by dating me they would be giving me a favor and girls dont like feeling that way about guys.
I often cringe when I think about my past, about the cringy social situations and cringe things I said to the only girl that I ever had something with after she left me. For her going out and making out with me wasnt anything serious she claimed she just wanted to have some fun and dint want a relationship at that time and had no such feelings for me. Instead of just saying OK and letting it go I just made a huge scene like a crybaby and cried my soul out to her through text. I still cringe to this day when I think about it. I also still miss her sometimes even though it was a year ago and it makes me feel even worse about myself. She probably didnt miss me ever.
The loneliness and feeling unwanted is slowly killing me. I have better moments sometimes thinking that I can change and turn my life around but I never do anything with it. Im just too lazy to do anything about it. I dont even know what I should do. Im tired of getting ignored and rejected. That sentence is so cringe and loser-mentality as this whole post but thats part of who I am now at this point unfortunately. Being alone I dont wanna kill myself because I have a family and sisters who are kids and they dont deserve to suffer for my mistakes. But I have promised myself that I would end it when I turn 30 if nothing will change. Thats still so long time to go I dont know if I can make it. I hate going to bed I often have insomnia and cant sleep but waking up is the worst part of the day for sure. Every day I wake up and I lay in bed for like 20 minutes and wishing I would just stop existing. Stay strong guys I guess. Do better