Reliance

They say that a person must find hapiness with himself. Others say that hapiness is the repationship you have with others. So which is it? I used to despise the idea that I needed someone. I hated that my hapiness was dependent on anything but me. That’s why I detested the idea of falling for someone. I hated how it made me feel helpless, like I had no control. That’s why I longed for isolation. For nothingness. So nothing can touch me. And then I got what I wanted. And I hated it. I hated thr bitter emptiness. I hated the seconds ticking by as I wasted away alone. I hated that all my thoughts were welting up with no real place to go. Like I was just lying in a pool of my own nothingness. I think hindsight is funny. When we started to reconnect, I had a feeling that things weren’t going to go well. That somewhere down the road, I’d end up disappointed. Yet, I still tried to reach out to her. That apart of me hoped that things would be better. And overtime I started to need her more and more. The feeling of just hearing her voice was enough to make my entire day. The thought that she cared about me meant the universe to me. That all that emptiness I felt was slowly dissipating. I didn’t realize that it was starting to get out of my control. That I started to rely too much on her. It wasn’t fair to her. To put so much on her. To make her feel that she owed me anything. To make her pity me. She has her own problems. Her own struggles. As much as I wanted to help, I must have done nothing. She said that being her friend comforted her, but she was still in pain. Now she’s gone and I have to be ok with that. I don’t think I’ll ever find happiness just by myself or with others. It still feels cathartic though. The fact that I knew it was going to end like this from the beginning.