Sober: day 2

One pull of the trigger. One gulp of the pill. Thats it. Itll be over. All this pain and suffering…..ceased. Turned into nothingness. No more memories. No more thoughts. But i dont have a gun. But i dont have a pill. i do have a bottle. i do have a joint. and thats as close to dead as i can get right now. in time though…. i cant see me lasting much longer. i dont see my death as a peaceful old lady laying in bed, surrounded by loved ones as my life slowly leaves me. i see it ending in a jump. a bloody mess. passing out. there wont be much peace in my death. the only peace to be found will be the knowledge that my suffering is over. sadly i doubt my loved ones will see it that way. i understand what its like being on the other side. i understand the hurt and pain i must cause them. knowing everything ive been through. everything i go through. but loved ones tend to hold on so tight to hope that they cant see how much living is tearing you apart. its difficult for them to accept the fact that this is whats best. this isnt cancer. there is a choice with suicide. you dont have to. but much like cancer there isnt always a cure. however because of this invisible disease that leaves you with an option, they only see the option to survive. they hope and pray and beg. crying and screaming at the top of their lungs “PLEASE DONT I LOVE YOU. I CARE.” but im sorry. no amount of love and caring can change the past. can make me forget.

(ill be honest i cried when i was writing the ending and i cried again rereading hehe :'( )