I don’t want to make a scene among family, colleagues or friends. I want to find a place I can go to relax and let nature take its course. This depression I have had for close to 50 years is now a terminal disease for me. I long now for a hospice where I could just fall asleep. I imagine that sleep will be like a sleep I had a couple of years ago when I had surgery. I remember having the mask on my face and the Dr. telling me to take deep breaths and then nothing. Nothing until I woke up after the surgery was complete. I can deal with that nothing. I am just concerned with that means to get there. Again, I do not want a scene with this, and my own fears of pain, firearms, and uncertainty, as well as some bad luck has always prevented me from achieving that desired end from those means. I am keeping this from from all that I mentioned, including my wife and daughter so I do not let this turn into a means for attention. I grew up with that from a parent and dealt with it with an ex and I never want anyone to have to deal with that. If I am going to do it then I am going to do it. It is now a matter of that means.