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The meaningless walk

by dampshadows59

I don’t frequent these feelings often, but when I do I’m scared. I get lost in the thought of hating everything I am. No faith for change, for adaptation. I wake up the same each day, my mindset doesn’t change. My energy comes sporadically, periodically through the day I’ll find small bursts of motivation. I know at the rate I’m going, I’ll be nothing. I’ll be nobody. Yet, with this knowledge, I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, or take a shower. The dirt clothes have been piling up for over a month. I know I don’t want to be what I’m becoming, but I can’t change it. Why? I’m so scared, and I don’t know how to change.

As I grow older my mindset dips further as I start to get comfortable with the blurry reality. I work long hours doing something I hate. I take days off as much as possible to play video games that I don’t enjoy, even though I need the money. I chase a dream that died years ago. I’m stuck behind a wall of depression and fear. I hate being alive, but I’m afraid of death. I’m scared of what people will say, or what they’ll feel. I don’t want anyone to blame themselves if I ever hurt myself.

 

I take melatonin every night, but drink energy drinks in the day. I don’t need either of them, but they’re an excuse for myself to believe that I’m actually doing something in my life. I feel like if I need an outside source of energy, I’m exerting myself enough each day. And if I need to sleep, I have something important each morning. I’ve put my whole life into something that I’ll never be good enough for, so when is it a good time to give up? To stop believing in childish dreams? I’m turning twenty-three soon. My dream has been out of reach for four or five years now. Yet, I still want it more than anything. I can’t help but cry sometimes for little reason other than the fact that I’m not good enough.

 

Im not sure what my purpose is anymore, or if I even have one. All I know is I’m empty, I hate the feeling. I know I won’t be able to keep pushing when I have nothing left to give. So I’m scared to admit I think I’ll be nothing, because does that mean I’ll give up? That one day, I might not be so scared of death? If I’m not afraid of it, will I embrace it? I’m not so sure, but I assume I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll update here again if I keep sane for a few more months.

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5 comments

Christina_the_Cat 4/9/2020 - 11:56 am

Oh wow… it’s incredible how much I relate! You have perfectly put in words the exact feelings I had six years ago, when I was stuck in a meaningless routine that was draining me and thus felt empty inside and worthless. You definitely have a talent for expressing yourself through writing. Good news: after years of questioning myself, I found my purpose and now I am happier than ever. I am not chasing my dream anymore: I am living it. If I can do it, so can you.

dampshadows59 4/11/2020 - 2:10 am

Thank you, I’m happy that I’ve been gifted with my ability to write. It’s the only thing in life I tend to be happy about. Really? I’m happy you found your purpose and are doing what you love! I hope that I can find purpose too. I don’t want to be sad or to give up, but it’s hard. It nice to hear kind words and the hope you give me I’ll hold dear. I really have nobody to talk to so this really helps me.

Christina_the_Cat 4/13/2020 - 1:46 pm

I’m glad this helps you! 🙂 I know how hard it is, but I guess that’s the point. If life was easy, what would be the meaning of it? No one becomes a hero while watching TV and eating popcorn. Heroes are made on the battlefield. The fight has been hard for me but thank God, I made it. You will find a purpose! How about using your ability to write to make this world a better place?
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” -Pablo Picasso.

dampshadows59 4/14/2020 - 1:31 am

That’s a really heartwarming quote, it’s enlightening as well. I suppose I’d never thought about it like that. I’ve tried a few times to use my words for bettering the world, but I tend to sluggishly give up. I’ve always thought about children’s books as a healthy mental outlet. Books in general, for that matter. I just tend to forget my motivations and sink back into a dark place before I ever finish a thousand words. Things like: people don’t want to read this, this isn’t interesting, etc. Even just testing if something is my purpose tends to exhaust me, for much longer than it should.

Christina_the_Cat 4/23/2020 - 4:35 pm

Sorry for replying so late: I was very busy lately because of Pascha. I also tend to lose motivation and this is perfectly normal. When it happens, I just go for a walk or do some sports. This makes me feels renewed and ready to focus on my tasks. Don’t worry about people’s opinions. No matter what you do, there will always be haters. It’s better to be hated for who you are than for who you pretend to be. If you find it interesting, surely there will be at least a few people who will enjoy your writing.

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