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Try As I May, Live Only to Die.

by Shephard

Lana Del Rey — God Knows I Tried

[The following was written 10-Aug-19.]

It has been almost two years since I moved to Australia. Two whole years, and I’ve achieved so much in that time. More than I thought I ever would, if I’m being honest. Back in February I resigned from my position at the company, citing a stagnant work environment and lack of progression. It took a week for my bosses to actually pass my resignation up the chain to the two directors, but once they did I made my side very clear to the man who made this company; the current path of this company is leading it to failure.

To encourage me to stay I was given a $20k pay rise (and I’d only been with the company for just over a year) and instructed to be the “wind of change” in an otherwise static environment. Six months later I can safely say that I did my best, but certain elements within the organisation continue to act against my stabilization attempts – and quite frankly, I don’t give two hoots any more. I’ve given everything to this place and it saddens me to see where it’s now going… but all good things must come to an end, right?

The friends I’ve made here and the clients I have grown to care for immensely will forever be a part of me. The skills, TTPs, and knowledge I have established and maintained will continue to give me that edge with wherever I may end up in life. I watched this place go from being a strong, coordinated and capable business to a gaggle-fuck of folks just trying to keep their heads above the waterline. It pains me to say it, but it really is time to move on. I can’t carry on being in an environment that undermines the efforts of hard working and caring individuals for the sake of nonsensical, binary data which – at the end of the day – provides no actual feedback as to how the whole business is doing. I won’t stand for a directing staff who lack compassion and the foresight to provide actionable guidance to not only the grunts such as myself, but the higher ups who ought to be setting the standard for everyone else.

…and I sure as hell am not going to let this place kill me, or make me kill myself.

“God knows I tried”, and that’s enough for me to know that I did my best.


[This portion written 20-Apr-20.]

It has now been eight months since I wrote the above. At that time I was fully committed to leaving this mess of a company… and yet further changes were made. I ended up being drafted to the last part of the company that actually got shit done, and that still had competent engineers within their structure. I spent the remainder of 2019 re-roling to an entirely different subset within I.T and learning the ropes all over again so to speak. Once again I’d proven myself adept at both core engineer tasks and soft skills when dealing with clients face-to-face. I up-skilled substantially and learned what it means to be an actual “systems administrator”.

More of my peers left, one by one, and even those who’d sought to halt my wind of change were themselves “blown away”. Things looked to be improving – albeit in a less impacting and perhaps short-sighted way which could’ve been avoided had management planned for the long term – but improving nonetheless. I received yet another promotion (with job title change) and solidified myself as a trustworthy, capable and dependable member of the team. We’re a solid unit, and I’m always happy to help them out.

Queue the “Commie Cough” and its very own wind of change…

I’ve now been in self-isolation for the past six weeks, and to be honest I quite enjoy it. My role at work means my work itself is not impacted and I can still fulfill all my duties. No longer having to travel two hours a day by train means I save money on transport. One less meal a day also puts more beer tokens into the reserve kitty. It has been a massive challenge to help mobilize entire work forces in as short a time as possible (especially in a secure manner), but the majority of the clients I help most are now fully work-from-home capable. The entire South Pacific is on a war footing and we’re all doing our part to help keep things running as smooth as possible.

It’s humbling to think just how dependent my colleagues and even some of my clients are on me. But really that comes down to two things: maintaining the “human element” in the work I perform, and actually giving two hoots about the work I’m doing. All it took for this to happen was me sacrificing my social life and not having much time to catch up with my folks back home. Although, with the pandemic we’re now facing, no one’s able to maintain a proper social life at all.

…and don;t get me started on how many people I’ve tried dating. It never gets anywhere thanks to my work, or because of differences in personalities etc etc…


This place is far different to how I remember it, and that’s not just because of the new layout/theme that the admins have applied. I wonder if any of the “Old Guard” from early ’14 are still around…


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_loser_ 4/20/2020 - 1:09 pm

I remember you Shephard. I’m the one everyone thought was a crazy rapist. The drama revolving around my unidentifiable dissociative condition has worsened considerably since 2014. I’m no longer 19, but 25, and I don’t fixate on speaking and writing things about incest, rape, racism, etc; without knowing it anymore, because my brain has become a gnarled pile of short circuiting neural pathways as a result of me either willingly or unwillingly making myself too tired to fixate on anything. My body and soul have been utterly desecrated. Though I look down on this site, I needed a place to dump what I am able to retain of my thoughts as I take things day by day. I apologize, I can’t use paragraphs as the device I’m on isn’t primarily designed for internet useage. I was on a couple years ago. C4 was on, and he made fun of me. He left when the gal he fancied stopped showing her face here. Ironically, he and I are probably mostly responsible for the way this site has changed due to the tendency we had to poke the hornet’s nest and generally being apprehensive towards the general sanctimony and angry mob mentality usually held around here. And then you’ve got the occasional psychopath who brags about how he can kill without conscience, etc;. Anyway… I’d share a drink with you, but both of my parents were alcoholics, so… In the years since I’ve recovered since my fallout with the family of sociopaths who hijacked my life and tried to break my mind to contort me into being their servant, I’ve mostly stayed inside and read about things on the internet. Can’t exactly go outside with my constant muttering. Last month, the guy on the other side of my bedroom wall barricaded the wall due to me. πŸ™‚ I really can’t hear a word. I haven’t gotten a wink of real sleep since I was 19, but now my dreams have become highly psychotic and disorganized in nature. I’m not quite sure I’m actually capable of real sleep anymore. I met new people, and I found someone who could’ve helped me in nearly every way possible. I ended up scaring her away during my inevitable mental breakdown involving a severe trip induced by anti-anxiety meds, antipsychotics, and painkillers mixed with alcohol I had been taking to escape being awake which culminated in me feeling the right side of my brain shattering or exploding as I looked in the mirror and resisted the urge to cut a man’s head off with a serrated kitchen knife. This person seemed to be able to make sense of me after my brain was ripped apart like a wet tissue in a blender by antidepressants, we were on the same wavelength and had the same intensity, correspondence, way of expressing ourselves, hobbies, interests, and ideas. I lost my best friend to this disease. It’s just as well. They’re the last person I’d want to have to worry about not being heard around, and getting me at less than my best. It makes no difference. Nothing does, with this contamination ruling over my desolate life. It feels like my brain has melted. I have severe debilitating anxiety that makes me feel like I’m going to go insane. I play a lot of Red Dead Redemption. Understandably, I don’t get on the mic much. How about you?

CARLOSPEJUAN 4/20/2020 - 10:59 pm

I’m sorry that you had to deal with some of us less competent and capable folk. I’m glad you still made the best of it though. you sound so smart and eloquent. Kinda makes me admire you or even crush on you. But thirst aside, what are YOU doing here? Are you a fellow overcomer?

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