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Flipping A Coin and An Inane Thought

by J Doe

Whenever I find myself uncertain about something I flip a coin. It can be about anything. Should I go ahead and say something, should I go get something to eat, should I study now or later etc.. However I don’t just flip coins to make a decision. I also flip coins when something is out of my control. Will I pass this test, am I going to make it through the week, will I ever hear from her again etc. I don’t really believe in a higher power nor do I not believe in one. I’m indifferent to the idea of one. So when I flip a coin in those situation, I know there really isn’t anything to it. It’s a coin. Flipping it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know why I do it, it’s just a quirk I have. So yesterday I flipped it asking, “Is everything going to be ok? Will all my school stuff turn out alright, will the therapy actually work, will the whole situation with her have some sort of resolution? Will I be ok with it all?” It landed on yes. I didn’t feel happy nor upset. I just flipped a coin.

I had an inane thought yesterday. I mentioned before that I think that if a person isn’t of some sort of use, there isn’t any point in them living. That if they don’t amount to anything, why are they here? That is a personal belief, and I don’t expect anyone to be held to that standard if they don’t think that way. Sorry if that hurt some people to read. This belief is why I think I have no reason to be alive. I see myself as a useless nothing that is mo use to anyone. So I thought to myself the other day, if I don’t improve myself by my 25th birthday, I should kill myself on the day. As a present to myself. However, if I’m going to do it, might as well make it perfect. I’d get a bullet with the term “H25BD” engraved on it. “Happy 25th Birthday”. Save it for the special occasion. I’d get a pristine rovolver. Real nice and decorative. I’d keep both in absolute spotless condition until the day. I’d get all my ducks in a row for it. Print out a note, set an announcement for the authorities to pick up the body, pick a nice secluded spot in the woods perhaps so my apartment doesn’t get dirty and lower the value for the manager etc. It’s all very over the top and overdramatic. It’s an extermely goofy idea. That’s why it made me laugh.

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DOA 5/2/2020 - 11:25 am

1) I’m constantly arguing with myself on what I should and shouldn’t do. I think I’ll try your coin flipping idea. It’s not like life can get worse lol

2) everyone has a purpose even if they dont see it. Do some people work towards there purpose from a young age? Yeah, I’ve been planning my bakery since middle school even though the closer I get to it the more it feels hopeless. But that’s not always the case. Some people take a bit longer. Like I was reading this one story where someone got their GED in their 80s or something. It’s never too late. Finding your purpose is nothing more then learning how to walk. Some people take longer then others. 🙂 and sometimes even the most “meaningless” thing can actually mean the world. Example, where would we be without garbage people. Sure it’s a job no one wants but the streets would be pretty dirty without them 🙂

15andfuckedup 5/2/2020 - 2:49 pm

I am absolutely horrible at making decisions. Like completely. And I do a thing similar or not so similar to your coin flipping thing, it’s one of the silliest things I do, but I can’t help it. So whenever I have to make a decision, I check the time (on my phone, I don’t believe in those gnarly clocks) and based on whether it’s an even or an odd number, I make the decision. Just writing this here makes me realize how fucking crazy I am.

Cause of Death: Suicide 5/6/2020 - 9:22 am

I’ve been praying since 12 years old to the Heavenly Father that he would take my life away, painlessly, while I sleep. Well 13 14 15 and 16 went by and he hadn’t answered my prayer. By that point I knew he wouldn’t kill me, and I’d have to do it myself. I planned to buy a gun as soon as I could and commit that way, which like cigarettes you can only buy after 18. So I was going to buy a gun the same day I turned 18 to commit with. Sadly because I was unemployed (still am) I couldn’t fuss up the 300$ that I needed to commit. Now I’m 25 and sadly I am still alive. I probably should have been dead already, ideally I would had died at 13 or 14.

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