Whenever I find myself uncertain about something I flip a coin. It can be about anything. Should I go ahead and say something, should I go get something to eat, should I study now or later etc.. However I don’t just flip coins to make a decision. I also flip coins when something is out of my control. Will I pass this test, am I going to make it through the week, will I ever hear from her again etc. I don’t really believe in a higher power nor do I not believe in one. I’m indifferent to the idea of one. So when I flip a coin in those situation, I know there really isn’t anything to it. It’s a coin. Flipping it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know why I do it, it’s just a quirk I have. So yesterday I flipped it asking, “Is everything going to be ok? Will all my school stuff turn out alright, will the therapy actually work, will the whole situation with her have some sort of resolution? Will I be ok with it all?” It landed on yes. I didn’t feel happy nor upset. I just flipped a coin.
I had an inane thought yesterday. I mentioned before that I think that if a person isn’t of some sort of use, there isn’t any point in them living. That if they don’t amount to anything, why are they here? That is a personal belief, and I don’t expect anyone to be held to that standard if they don’t think that way. Sorry if that hurt some people to read. This belief is why I think I have no reason to be alive. I see myself as a useless nothing that is mo use to anyone. So I thought to myself the other day, if I don’t improve myself by my 25th birthday, I should kill myself on the day. As a present to myself. However, if I’m going to do it, might as well make it perfect. I’d get a bullet with the term “H25BD” engraved on it. “Happy 25th Birthday”. Save it for the special occasion. I’d get a pristine rovolver. Real nice and decorative. I’d keep both in absolute spotless condition until the day. I’d get all my ducks in a row for it. Print out a note, set an announcement for the authorities to pick up the body, pick a nice secluded spot in the woods perhaps so my apartment doesn’t get dirty and lower the value for the manager etc. It’s all very over the top and overdramatic. It’s an extermely goofy idea. That’s why it made me laugh.