I’m so fucked up in the way I think and feel. Any idea of bettering myself is immediately contaminated by the way I approach reality. I suppose I’m a severely disordered personality. Avoidance and possibly some form of narcissism. Along with whole new levels of twisted shit I’ve developed as a coping mechanism.
But there’s no normal for me now. No peace. Everything is infected.
I lack the resolve necessary to end it. But I have no idea how to cope with being this fucked up. Which leaves me paralyzed – failing to pursue a better life and face reality, and failing to put myself out of my misery.
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I think no matter who you are healing is possible, albeit painful. I was traumatized as a kid 2-3 times over. I was homeless. I was an addict. I overcame. And I know you can too. I’m not saying it will be easy, I promise you it won’t ever feel easy. But I promise that it’s possible.
Honestly? I’ve tried doing the ‘better’ part to manage life. It s@cks, let me tell you that. I feel like some ‘earth kids’ are just not meant to be happy. If you pursue to go the recovering road, you better have good stamina. I feel like it left me more f@cked up, than before. Maybe where we are isn’t so bad after all…