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I am my own suffering

by Wisp

Not suicide related

I feel like I’m on such rocky ground with my ex, although I kinda always was.
He recently cut ties with a couple of local friends he had, due to disagreements (won’t put the topics here). He told one of them to ‘fuck off’. The two friends were also friends with each other. I think my ex has been blocked online by both of them now.
I’m really wondering inside if I actually caused any of this, but not like I cant tell my ex that, he’d just tell me I’m being silly and worrying too much if I did. šŸ˜›
He’s also cut ties with other local friends too recently, again, due to disagreements.
Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next one out of his life. I’ve done much worse things to him than his friends ever did, but he still believes that I am not ‘really’ like this and that I have a big heart. It almost makes me lol :\
I don’t disagree with him on these topics, my views just happen to be rather similar to his. I did form my views on this before he brought it up, though.

I want a relationship with him, yet I don’t. It’s kinda been like this most of the time I’ve known him. Why would I want a relationship again? People can just break up anyway, it’s not exclusive to him either lol. Anyway, I feel like I blight as it is, and me and him are both kinda twisted, so we can relate kinda well (I’m not really interested in everything he talks about though).

It’s clear that he has his own issues of course, as do I. Maybe I’m just waiting for him to send a message to say that he’s ‘tired of me’. I’m not exactly an ‘exciting’ person. I’m a really boring person.

Part of me wants to see him in real life again. I just don’t think I’d be ready (but due to events in the world I won’t have to be worrying about this for a long while anyway…)
I know if he were around to hold me, I wouldn’t even be making this stupid pointless post. I know I’m going to get hurt again eventually, it would be inevitable, but that’s my own fault. Part of my twisted self even thinks all the hurt is worth it (he’s broken up with me twice…).

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muspelhem 5/24/2020 - 6:04 pm

I think it’s a natural instinct to cling to whatever driftwood you can find in this life. I do the same.

That doesn’t mean that you couldn’t potentially find someone else out there. There are billions of men. New ones are being produced all the time. And you probably have more to offer than you think. Hopefully, that will gradually reveal itself to you over time.

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