A few months ago, I felt like I had an epiphany of sorts. I felt like I might’ve been the only person that exists and I’m in control because nothing truly bad could happen to me no matter what. But recently, I’m not so sure. If I was the only thing that existed, why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so pointless? Why isn’t my life good? Why do I want to just end it? Why aren’t I comfortable in my own body? Why do I have to rely on antidepressants to make me feel “normal?” I wish I couldn’t feel and I didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought. I wish nothing made me tick. I can’t stand being me anymore. Nothing exists, not even me. All of this is a simulation to see how long a program can last before terminating itself. This is a game I wouldn’t mind losing. I feel like shit and I want it to stop. Every time I speak I hate my voice, I hate my ideas, I hate the people I speak to. The only person I give a shit about is my mother but I’m such a hard ass and can’t offer her the appreciation or love she deserves. This message is all over the place but I haven’t been able to vent in forever and I can’t stand bringing other people into my angst and I need to just dump everything out whether it makes sense or not. I wish I saw my therapist more and I wasn’t so paranoid to tell her everything I feel and think. I don’t care if medicine and therapy is a government tool to control and correct you, I feel too shitty to be on my own and I want to die otherwise. I keep thinking about suicide, but I can’t leave my mother.
1 comment
Hi, thank you for venting, it’s better than to hold it inside. Yes, please tell all about it to your therapist, she’s trained to help you, whereas we here aren’t trained or anything. And yes, please think about your mother, how you could become a better son, and the immense pain that you would cause her if you were to commit suicide. Especially if you’re her only son, she’d be totally destroyed.