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Just A Reflection

by J Doe

I thought about this today, but my reasons for being depressed and why I feel the way I feel have changed over time. I remember when I was in elementary school and I first really thought of the concept of death. I mean I understood what death was, but when I first actually thought about what that meant it terrified me. I scared me to think of all the things that made me happy weren’t permanent and can be gone with minimal effort. It doesn’t take a whole lot to die. You can get in a car accident, get sick, or simply trip over your own two feet and break your neck. People are extremely fragile. Thinking that my mom or my brother or I could just die and that would be that scared me. It scared me to think that I could die before I ever get to experience anything. It also made me extremely religious to a scary degree. I remember pleading with god begging him to let me live one more day, every day. It was kind of sad and I don’t want to think about it too much. Then there was a shift somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the line I stopped being afraid of that stuff. Then I started to look around and think to myself that there was no point to any of it. That life had no real meaning to it. People just kind of grow up and work and then the lie down and die. It seemed so monotonous. It also disturbed me that there was no concrete point to any of it. Even the routine of working and then dying wouldn’t be that bad if there was a solid end to it. Some end goal that all people work towards. But it didn’t seem like there was any and that the routine was just done for the routine’s sake. It also bothered me that there were many different belief systems, religious and not religious, that claimed they knew that they knew the “real” reason for everything. That they knew of some end goal that everyone should work towards. The thing is none of them could prove it. Then, like before, I grew to accept that there is no concrete point to it all. I kind of just took it that a person needs to find their own point to it and that there won’t be any right answer to why we are here. I just was ok with that fact, even though I know that reasoning is sort of a cop out. Now I’m afraid of finding no point. I’m afraid of not finding any purpose for myself and that I’m useless and have no meaning as a person. I fear failing not necessarily me, but anyone around me. I’m afraid of not being of use to anyone. I think when I started to reconnect with her and started feeling those feelings again, I thought that maybe if I could find my purpose and happiness in a relationship that I could be ok with being useless in career sense. That I could simply be happy with finding happiness in another person and them finding happiness with me. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a person and frankly unfair to them. To tie any sense of worth and meaning to another person puts that unneeded weight on them. It’s kind of sad really and that’s not what a relationship should be. Or at least I think. How would I know, I’ve never been in a relationship. Now I ping pong from finding no point and not bothering with anything to being constantly worried about being a failure. Sometimes I feel that since I find no meaning, that I should just die since I didn’t find one. That if it’s ok to interpret your own purpose then it should be ok to interpret you own lack of purpose and just be ok with resigning yourself to death. Not necessarily out of sadness but simply saying “Yeah this whole life thing just isn’t for me, so I guess I’ll make my exit now. ”

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Yoges 5/12/2020 - 12:26 pm

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on a person and frankly unfair to them. To tie any sense of worth and meaning to another person puts that unneeded weight on them.”
Quite an insight right there. I’ve similar but a bit sledgehammer reasoning behind avoiding relationships. This is a more nuanced way of looking at it. I’ll chew on it further.
I’m afraid of dying without being of use to the world too. It’s partly why I’m still hanging around – in desperate hope of finding some way to contribute to a better world before dying. If not for that, and my parents’ sake, I’d die today.

TheChimeraMonster 5/12/2020 - 10:09 pm

I wish we could know at least a hint for why we are here, but as the OP says, Yeah this whole life thing just isn’t for me. Hope has died a while ago, and honestly, I’m just existing like a ghost. I don’t really know why I’m still here

psgalaxy 5/12/2020 - 8:02 pm

I can really relate to this post, especially your last quote. We should have the free will to check out, without any judgement. We didn’t choose to be here and some of us are not okay with that, and not equipped to cope. I’m hanging around because of my parents / family, but won’t be able to for much longer. The question is, what to leave behind to make them understand. I feel like nobody ever will unless they’re in this frame of mind.
And perhaps you will find a reason to stay- not a meaning, but a reason. Without the self-imposed pressure of being of value to anyone. Because nobody really is. But ultimately, it’s about what you believe in, which is very personal. I do really hope you find what you’re looking for ?

psgalaxy 5/12/2020 - 8:04 pm

That question mark at the end was supposed to be lucky clover:)

f1ght0rfly 5/13/2020 - 9:51 pm

This post resonated with me… especially the end. That’s where I am right now. And even though I’m in therapy and “working on myself” and through my problems, it still doesn’t seem enough. I don’t know. I’m tired of living and don’t see any future for myself – career, love, purpose, etc. Just seems futile trying really.

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