I have no more energy left in me.
I’m craving for the long sleep. Longing for not having to wake up in the morning.
I want to be forgotten. But even more to forget. Forget everything. The die was cast. I lost. It sucks but it’s okay. Rules are rules. No regrets, no remorse. No one is to blame. It’s no one’s fault. I don’t have to like it but I can take it. Not lamenting or whining. No complaints. I’m aware other have had it much much worse.
But having to stay here. Having to see my failure everyday in the mirror. Having to face my inaptitude every day and every hour and even being forced to display it publicly which feels like voluntarily making a fool of myself in front of everyone, mocking myself for to see it, that is a little too much for what is left of my self respect.
I’m tired of this not-so-funny joke that it’s called my life. I’m tired of crawling. Tired of… everything! Every-fucking-thing!
Just let me go ffs!
I know a few people would miss me for some time. I know 2-3 others will feel devastated for a longer time. But I hope they all will get over it. On my part I’ll try my best to make it as easy as I can for them.
No big drama. No blood or anything horrible. Just a little “accident”. Everyone knows how clumsy and inept I am. So very probably they’ll buy it. I won’t forget to leave some clues and hits here and there to make the “accident” pretty obvious. If everything goes right every piece of evidence will fit in the “accident” theory.
And yet I have to wait. And I’m fucking tired of waiting. Why don’t let me go? Just let me fucking go.