Suicidal thoughts come in 2 forms. One is if you feel trapped by external forces (poverty, bullying, bad luck, loss), and the other is if you’re trapped by your own internal issues. It’s the 2nd one that I’m wondering about, those of us whose minds are so hopelessly scrambled by trauma or self-loathing or whatever led us to this point.
If you’re in that category, then suppose everything else in your life became perfect. You found your perfect soulmate, you got a great job and promising career, a reason to live, all that stuff. Could you make it work?
Or would you end up right back here?
If you think of what led you to this point, it’s probably not just 1 thing. It’s probably not just 1 bad decision or 1 bad defeat. It’s probably a pattern of life that has come to define you. And if that’s the case, then even if you suddenly got a clean slate and all your problems were fixed, your own mind would repeat the same pattern and you’d replay the same life.
I see it a lot like cancer. You can get chemo or surgery and send it into remission, but your body will always be predisposed to relapse. In cases of cancer you’d have to radically alter your diet, exercise, lifestyle and attitude in order to stay cancer free. But with mental health, it’s not as easy as deciding to change and doing it. Our mind itself is the cancer, and you can’t surgically remove that.
I’m just thinking these thoughts because I’m actually getting a second chance at life. Call it a string of overdue good luck. Things are finally falling into place. But no matter how many good things happen, I wake up every morning hating life and wanting to end it. It’s like I’m diseased from the inside out, and no matter how much sunshine shines on me, I’m a tragedy.