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the grass was greener

by thehusk

Most of my dreams are set in childhood, between 10-15. Sometimes it’s horrible. But sometimes it feels great, and I don’t want to wake up. I wasn’t happy back then, but I still had hope. I still felt alive. Things still seemed meaningful. I still felt connected to others. I was still part of society.

I want to go back so badly. Tear up the laws of space and time. For a chance to do it differently. To do it right. Avoid what I’ve become.

I’m left with the feeling that I have to do something. Change something. To escape this reality. Break through to the alternate world. But I don’t know what or how. The reasons why I’m screwed remain the same.


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Christina_the_Cat 5/9/2020 - 2:00 am

Ah, same for me, unfortunately… But I realize that if I relived the past, it wouldn’t feel the same anymore. It wouldn’t have the same magic, you know? Be thankful for the present or else you’ll end up dreaming about these days like you do right now about your childhood. I hope you’ll reconnect to your genuine self, to who you were before becoming someone you don’t want to be.

tiredofchronicpain 5/9/2020 - 6:51 pm

I am glad I stumbled upon this thread; I like your word “magic”, because it is a word I missed in my post 😉

I also find myself very emotional being older; I do shed a lot more tears than I did in my 20’s; I feel pain more strongly – especially emotional pain.

It hurts me to even think about my family passing away in the future. I must admit, they are all I have.

There is not a day that go by, where I do not miss my childhood a lot. I had a tango with an imaginary world; like 2 lovers falling in love and it feels like an infinite time span, within just a fraction of a second.

The time-drag effect becomes one of negative feedback. An older gentleman back then told me “You will miss the times you were young and still in school, gosh, I miss it a lot”.

I thought by myself “whatever”, being young and stupid. I now see what he meant; you only get 1 shot at being young. When the fountain of youth passes you by, it is gone for good.

tiredofchronicpain 5/9/2020 - 6:43 pm

Damnit, this post was just what I wanted; a long, long wire, a thin thread I cast to the childhood days.

Boy oh boy, when I was 15, every day felt like an adventure; today I just got the correct word to describe it as I sat in my car, talking to myself, pretending someone is listening for over an hour. But I said it “Back when we were young, you had the permission to do almost anything”.

Please go back today and try and play one of those old games you used to play – It just doesn’t feel the same, doesn’t it? You know why? Because it almost feels like you do not have the permission to do it anymore. Something inside of you says “Fuck it, I am too old; back when I played this, life was still quite loyal to me”.

It is one thing being a kid and losing yourself in a fantasy world. I think the people like us bunch who miss their childhood, were the locus classicus kids. They were the perfect kids, they enjoyed being kids…

If I think back to my early days, I loved being a kid; infatuated by it. I lusted after childhood and lived and breathed it. It was my everything. I hate to sound corny, but youth was my everything. I remember times of waking up after a dream, and my dreams opened a door to an adventure I would explore as I wake up. It was almost dream-like to be little.

One of my key take-aways about youth is this: When we were young, the best days in your life; do you see that these were the days where you were physically smaller and less toughened than the adults you knew. There was a halo of protection that you could look up to when you were young; parents, older siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews, etc. As soon as you were past a certain age, you almost become too tall; you realised by then that others now depend on you for strength; and that is were the pleasure island of your youth came to an abrupt stop.

I came of age in the middle ’00s. The further I go back, it is almost like a different life; but also, not too far ago. It is almost like a division between 2 realities; the current one being like a prison, and the former one, being full of potential…

I probably can bore you to tears about what I missed: being in class, only 13, I had a crush on this girl, Chloe. Everytime she looked at me, I would go home the weekend, summer holidays thinking about that 1 smile she gave me. It made my world. I was completely embellished in a romance in my head – The years before all these noble accomplishments mattered; the years where you still dreamt of going to NASA one day. The years where everything still was on a platter to be eaten. The very things that we looked forward to back then, is completely out of our periphery now.

You see, there is just NOTHING sacred being an adult anymore. All doors are opened and trust me, it did not lead to a Roman empire. These doors weren’t like roads leading somewhere; they were fun to open as a kid, but for some reason, it is jam shut to us now.

Why? I can only lament.

You have yourself a reader with the same types of frustrations; a recently 30-year-old incel, with little accomplishments in life, and I think by myself every bloody day “Where did it all go”?”Where did all those good times I knew went?”

I do not have a darn idea…

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