When did it all began to go wrong?

Sometimes i ask myself that, when did i become such a loser, when did I lost all will to live, when did I get these social problems? when did I get so ugly, so ridiculous, so egoistic? When I got so fucking wrong? So lost, so miserable, so fucking useless. When was the last time that I felt safe inside this piece of meat? Inside my own mind.
I JUST WANT TO CEASE EXISTING WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT? why can’t I just kill myself? WHY?
no one would miss me, my family, my friends, none of them need me, and their lives wont change, its obvious it wont change, I shouldn’t have been born in first place, why would something change for something that shouldn’t be?
OH GOD, if you exist, if you REALLY exist, please, make this heart of mine stop.