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by vagabond

I don’t like coming to this site. I’m ashamed of coming here. If things had gone any different, I’d leave this dilapidated corner of the internet be. I’d like to view this site as part of my past. Ideally, I’d like to view it as an indiscretion. But it’s not. I keep coming back here.

And the reason for that is, simply, I seek an escape. I cannot simply blame my failure, my inability to commit suicide on science… genetics… cowardice… or circumstance.

The truth is the human body is resilient far past the point of logical survival. We’re pushed to the point of illogical survival. And as illogical as it is, the reason we’re trapped here isn’t because of fear… The truth is those of us who’re trapped here each have something that’s keeping us going. Something we’ve turned our back on and wish wasn’t there. To keep us “tethered”, in this world.

And since we can’t kill ourselves, it would appear the logical solution would be to turn around and optimize our situation to make life as least awful as possible… But we don’t. And for most of us, I suspect you can’t. Not that I blame the ones who simply don’t. We all know what it’s like to feel compromised. Tainted. To want things to go back to the way they were before. For things to be perfect. When you had solace, peace of mind. When things were normal.

As much as I abhor this paradox, it’s the truth. I’ve been here since 2013.

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Christina_the_Cat 6/6/2020 - 10:49 pm

Wow… you must be incredibly strong to keep on going. 7 years! Unbelievable! No, don’t be ashamed to come back here. It feels so good to not be the only one, to find people to whom you relate somehow. Weirdly good. I’ve seen so many deep-thinking people here and you’re one of them.

CARLOSPEJUAN 6/9/2020 - 12:06 am

I feel you. I feel like I shoudln’t be on here either, but here I am commenting and posting as a regular user. I hope some day things are better for you in a new way that is sustainable. Clearly the old ways, although good, were not sustainable. I wonder what it would be like to be ok.

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