I have an attitude problem. Or a personality problem. Personality disorder/s. The problem is me. My feelings, my thoughts, the way I react to the world. When I see something I want but can’t have, my response is despair. Rather than making the most of whatever I do have. Because what’s the point, if I can’t have that crucial, essential, fundamental thing? Everything else becomes meaningless in comparison.
I can go through the motions, and try to make the most of my situation. But it’s like carrying a dead weight around – my hearts not in it. So inevitably i retreat back into dysfunction. Because I don’t care – if I can’t have that, I don’t really want anything else.
It’s a stupid, self-destructive attitude to have. It means I inevitably end up with nothing. Rather than getting some of what I want, I choose complete failure. I allow my longing for the ideal to destroy any chance of anything good.
But I don’t know how to stop. How to give up on the fantasy, and accept the reality. I don’t know how to invest it with meaning and value.