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Being the Center of Sadness

by brxken._.lxcks

I currently stand between not wanting to do anything and wanting to live my dream. I’m gradually giving up on everything. My weight is only going up, my mental stability is going way down, the disappointment and sadness in my family is rising, my will to continue is going 6 feet under where I might just end up. I was asked if I was really willing to do something, all I did was say no. I don’t want to do anything anymore because no matter how much I’ve tried I have always failed with an outcome worse than I thought it would be. So today I broke down… terribly. Everything I had bottled up was released the second my first tear fell. I cried about my weight, how I look, how I disappointed my family about not wanting to do anything, how I have no friends, how my ex already moved on and found love again, how his new girlfriend looks like me but only skinnier and prettier, how I don’t know what I’m doing, how maybe everything is my fault, how I may be the center of my sadness. Yes I know if I want to change things, I have to work for it. But the thing is when I try, I shortly lose interest even though I really want to do it, and then I don’t have the motivation to continue. Like I have extremely over weight for my height and age; being 5’4″ 17 year old and weighing 270 lbs. is embarrassing for me and I want to lose weight but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. Same thing with college, I want to go for architecture, but the thought of growing up and studying that terrifies me. I don’t want to grow up, and I am just not interested in going to college for my dream career. I don’t know what is wrong with me anymore. So when I cried today in front of my family, everything I have mentioned here is what I cried about, but they were upset because they watched me and asked me why I was crying… and all I could say was I don’t know. My mom knows that’s not true, but I can’t bring myself to tell them about anything that I cried about. Why? Because I know what they are going to say, they will tell me to try losing the weight, move on from my ex-friends and ex just forget about what they are doing/saying. I know they will say that but if I tell them it’s hard for me all they will say is to just put your mind to it. BUT I CAN’T IF I DON’T HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING. And them just seeing me cry to my self made everyone upset and I ruined everyone’s mood. So I’m just stuck here being in the center of my sadness pretty much alone.

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