today is a very fucking hard day for me and for no apparent reason.
i’m so angry. so lonely and so damn miserable. i just want to make my hurt known.
to feel not so alone. i cant see no light and my life is so dark and small. i feel like cussing and making people hurt but i’m always so considerate and gentle. i feel so suicidal, so violent inside, though i had only one violent outburst in all my life and it was 20 years ago and i was heavily drunk and depressed. i wish i was homicidal rather than suicidal. i want this violence to get out of me and be directed elsewhere, i just can’t bear it anymore. either that or fucking off myself. it’s too much. i can’t go on like this. i’m on drugs for years and years, hard drugs that is, not weed and i’m a liar and a thief also. i have no moral qualms with myself i would be hypocritical if i should say i have. i don’t give a shit about anything anymore. i have this sick fantasy about being incarcerated but ofc i don’t really want to be although it might save my life. i don’t care about my family – they have given up on me years ago. i think all the talk about people not wanting to cause hurt and suffering to loved ones is just a fucking excuse. when the pain is so big you don’t think about your loved ones your only focus is on this pain and how to stop it.
when a man for example is in an unimaginable physical pain all he wants is the pain to stop and could care less about his family – same thing with mental pain. where are my family when i hurt and suffer so much? where are they? fuck them! let them have some! how i wish i was a criminal – taking my pain out on other assholes instead of on myself but i’m a good boy after all, conditioned to help strangers and be polite, smile when all i really want is to scream and burn all this stupid fucking world with all those stupid fucking people in it. i have the urge to apologize for those words but i won’t.. fuck that and fuck me and fuck you! oh man i can’t take it anymore. just fucking can’t but tomorrow sure enough i will still be around, this lame, pathetic excuse of a man will still be here because i’m a fucking whiny, coward ****. so why do i even bother? i guess i’m just another fucking attention whore like all the rest.