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can’t bear it anymore

by wasd

today is a very fucking hard day for me and for no apparent reason.

i’m so angry. so lonely and so damn miserable.  i just want to make my hurt known.

to feel not so alone. i cant see no light and my life is so dark and small. i feel like cussing and making people hurt but i’m always so considerate and gentle. i feel so suicidal, so violent inside, though i had only one violent outburst in all my life and it was 20 years ago and i was heavily drunk and depressed. i wish i was homicidal rather than suicidal. i want this violence to get out of me and be directed elsewhere, i just can’t bear it anymore. either that or fucking off myself. it’s too much. i can’t go on like this. i’m on drugs for years and years, hard drugs that is, not weed and i’m a liar and a thief also. i have no moral qualms with myself i would be hypocritical if i should say i have. i don’t give a shit about anything anymore. i have this sick fantasy about being incarcerated but ofc i don’t really want to be although it might save my life. i don’t care about my family – they have given up on me years ago. i think all the talk about people not wanting to cause hurt and suffering to loved ones is just a fucking excuse. when the pain is so big you don’t think about your loved ones your only focus is on this pain and how to stop it.

when a man for example is in an unimaginable physical pain all he wants is the pain to stop and could care less about his family – same thing with mental pain. where are my family when i hurt and suffer so much? where are they? fuck them! let them have some! how i wish i was a criminal – taking my pain out on other assholes instead of on myself but i’m a good boy after all, conditioned to help strangers and be polite, smile when all i really want is to scream and burn all this stupid fucking world with all those stupid fucking people in it. i have the urge to apologize for those words but i won’t.. fuck that and fuck me and fuck you! oh man i can’t take it anymore. just fucking can’t but tomorrow sure enough i will still be around, this lame, pathetic excuse of a man will still be here because i’m a fucking whiny, coward ****. so why do i even bother? i guess i’m just another fucking attention whore like all the rest.

peace

 

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4 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/29/2020 - 11:00 pm

Sounds frustrating to be you right now.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before but have you tried either a punching bag, running, or another exercise good at venting anger?
The world is stupid, thank you for not apologizing.

wasd 6/30/2020 - 1:54 am

Thank you for your words. i used to do stuff (never much though) but for the last year or two i barely move at all, slightly at work. i only write short stories sometimes but not very good i think..

btw it’s very weird that all the fuck, shit, *****, mother fucker etc. etc. are cool but the word c.u.n.t is censored here for some reason..

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/30/2020 - 8:55 am

Right! I noticed that. Lol.
If it helps to exercise then I would do it. I walk a lot and when I’m frustrated I might even run for a burst (I don’t have high running endurance so it’s little bursts) and that helps calm me down a bit.

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/29/2020 - 11:40 pm

Also, I agree. It gets to a point where nothing and nobody matters. Just escape matters.

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