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Drowning the Desire

by Abnormal.Thoughts

This seems counterintuitive.

I hate Monday’s. Yesterday morning I had that sinking feeling again and I was ready to go through with my plans and kill myself. I wasn’t scared, I was completely ready, but I knew I shouldn’t, and the plan is to wait until July anyways, so I was looking for a way to make the day more bearable. About 9 AM I determined I was going to have a drink to relax a little and just deal with it.

I was drunk by 10, sure, I still wanted to die at that point but I wasn’t as concerned about doing it right then. So I just stayed drunk until the end of the day, was too tired to do much more, and went to bed.

It worked, but logically I know that drinking is just another bad coping skill and alcohol is known to make suicide more likely to happen as it lowers inhibitions.

I just hope when it is time I will feel as confident as I did yesterday and won’t back out as I have in the past. I don’t know why I keep holding out when I’m miserable continuing on afterwards anyways.

Just venting, I needed to get it out.


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Rainwatch 6/2/2020 - 11:42 am

When I get that “sinking feeling” I reach for Pot. Alcohol does nothing for me, I’ve not drank in about a year, I consider myself lucky in that respect, if alcohol did do anything for me I would be a chronic alcoholic by now, the sheer fear of the inevitable hangover/ comedown the next day keeps me away from alcohol. You’re correct in alcohol possibly leading to an active suicide, I remember reading something like 70 percent of suicides have alcohol in the bloodstream.

no name 6/2/2020 - 12:10 pm

your comment makes me wonder about my own situation concerning weed and alcohol. “When I get that “sinking feeling” I reach for Pot”i dont. i use pot and booze to keep the thoughts away but thats about it. if my emotions and everything get that bad though i just kinda flow with it. if im going to do it then i guess im going to do it. ive also wondered about whether or not im an alcoholic because i sneak booze into work sometimes however compares to people that are actual alcoholics i dont really drink that much.

anyway enough about me. abnormal thoughts, did you ever try to make your life better? i know it seems like a lot of people here dont actually seem to. i could be wrong im just saying what it seems like to me. i know im personally working towards better. im currently fixing up a trailer to live in and im going to have a garden and an art room, a bakery, and more. even though i feel at this moment im making a choice between emotional happiness and external happiness. although im hoping the external happiness will lead to emotional happiness at a later date.

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 12:48 pm

I’m pretty fortunate to not have hangovers but I’ve never been much of a drinker either as it usually either just makes me tired or I drink too much and get sick. I decided to drink because I was working and I don’t trust my ability to work while high, otherwise weed would definitely be my preference.

I have been through this before about 15 years ago and I did improve my life and life was good for a while. I really don’t have any valid complaints now even, it’s just a mental disorder at this point. I have a good family, good job, living how I wanted to, most of my stress now is coming from work. I used to love this job but somehow it’s all fallen apart on me. I’ve been looking for a new job in hopes that would help but I love where I live and the pay is shit here so I can’t find anything that will pay close to what I’m making now without getting a bachelors degree in something. It makes me feel completely trapped. I just don’t want to keep cycling through these episodes my whole life.

It sounds like you have a lot of fun projects in the works though, no name, I think you will find happiness in there somewhere, it will get better.

no name 6/2/2020 - 1:00 pm

im not so sure about that. my only hope seems to be medication and i just stopped seeing my therapist and psychiatrist, i dont plan on ever getting a new one either

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 1:59 pm

One thing about BPD is that many people overcome it and don’t exhibit the symptoms to be diagnosed with it after some time. It’s a ray of hope, and it’s not medication that does it.
Therapists and psychiatrists aren’t the end all be all either.
Both can help but finding yourself is the biggest achievement and you can be proud of yourself with every accomplishment you make toward your goals. That’s more powerful than medicine ever could be.

no name 6/2/2020 - 2:19 pm

its more then just bpd sadly. i have really bad anxieties but its more the dissociation thats the problem. im not even sure if im alive or anything is real and as far as my other problems i have a pretty good idea how to fix them but the dissociation…im at a complete loss no matter how much research ive done. i came to the conclusion that my disorders became to much for me to handle so my brain basically put a wall between me and them and the rest of the world. but i dont know how to fix it.

i agree that medication isnt the be all and end all but it would be a good help with straightening me out while i work on myself. kind of like how you use a brace and physiotherapy to fix a physical injury. well the medication would be like my brace. however antipsychotics dont work for as long as i have dissociation. i found that out after 3 different medications.

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 4:27 pm

I don’t know much about disassociation treatment. I think meditation is a big one, also sensory things. I get it once in a while but I usually just roll with it.

no name 6/2/2020 - 4:40 pm

mines a constant thing that doesnt go away. it comes a goes like a wave hitting the beach but its never completely gone. i dont even remember when it started or when exactly youd say it started. first i visually saw everything in black and white then people were colors reflective of whole they are as a person. (each color had its own meaning) although during that phase whenever i looked in the mirror i was just grey, i didnt have any other colors :(. then everything seemed to go back to normalish for a bit then everything started getting worse and i tried telling people but either i didnt make it seem as important as it is or they werent listening but nothing happened. the research i did says i have depersonalization derealization. you can look into it if you want considering theres several different types. all i know is its no fun thinking youre in an alternate universe and somehow keep acting like everything fine or else you cant function because “whats the point nothings real” lol

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 6:51 pm

That’s a little scary. I’ve had the lack of color but it’s usually a few hours or a day, it feels like I’m colorblind or looking through a fishbowl because I’m disconnected with everything but nothing like your describing. I hope you find your way through that.

hope432 6/2/2020 - 2:17 pm

Hey @Abnormal.Thoughts, why don’t you stay here with us? I would miss your posts.
As for your mental disorder, I assure you that it can be improved a lot so that life becomes worth living. I still experience abnormal thoughts myself, but in the past it was much, much worse. I simply invested in my health, bought herbal remedies, vitamins, calcium, magnesium, supplements, etc. I also prayed.

I could also cure chronic fatigue.

As for your job, perhaps you can find a better one. You can still invest in your education and career (I mean time not money) as there are lots of free courses on the internet from different fields like on coursera and other websites. Perhaps do you need a hobby? Life can always somehow get better.

I like to smoke (normal cigarettes, not drugs) to feel better throughout the day while not exaggerating. Sometimes, you can watch a good movie on Neflix. (there are plenty).

Or find a hobby and life will go somehow better or worse.

It’s also important to connect to other people, family or otherwise… perhaps you can solve some of your problems and even date someone, who knows?

Also listen to positive music if you feel like doing nothing. Don’t spend another moment in deep depression as it’s devastating.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 2:28 pm

I’d like to point out that herbal remedies, vitamins, calcium, magnesium, supplements, and praying doesn’t help everything and I wouldn’t really suggest anything unless I knew the problems they were dealing with first because if you don’t know what you’re dealing with you can give bad information. Like how if you walk into a docs office and he gives you a random RX and saying yep you’ll be fine now.

Also cigarettes cause cancer while the “drugs” (weed) that you’re so against actually help a lot of cancer patients so I hope you enjoy your lung cancer that everyone knows is a very high possibility now that they’ve done research on the approx. 600 chemicals with at least 70 of them causing cancer.

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 3:40 pm

Thank you for the heartfelt suggestions. I really don’t have it that bad as far as my current life circumstances.
I’m actually married, 10 years tomorrow, so dating seems off the table. Lol.
I’m also a smoker, it’s a good stress relief, I’m about 10 a day, give or take depending on the day. I’ve been looking for a new job, pay is the issue in my area. I walk as a hobby, video games, audiobooks and reading, fishing, boating, camping, hiking, I am not finding the joy in them like I usually do.
I know it seems like I don’t care on here but really I’m trying. I have a 9 yr old daughter who I truly don’t want to hurt, I just don’t feel like I’m there for her in this condition and god forbid she end up like me.
I should try some herbal remedies, maybe that will help. Clearly I’m grasping at straws if I’m drinking in the mornings.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:44 pm

https://www.mentalhealth. org.uk/a-to-z/s/smoking-and-mental-health#:~:text=Smoking%20and%20anxiety,it%20reduces%20stress%20and%20anxiety.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:44 pm

www. mentalhealth. org.uk/a-to-z/s/smoking-and-mental-health#:~:text=Smoking%20and%20anxiety,it%20reduces%20stress%20and%20anxiety.

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 3:57 pm

I can’t get the link to work.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 4:02 pm

There’s spaces before and after mentalhealth. so I could get past the moderation

hope432 6/2/2020 - 3:59 pm

@Abnormal.Thoughts. I can totally relate to you, the feeling of emptiness and not finding joy like before. But we need to keep trying against the odds. So, do you have a daughter? This is very nice. You don’t need to think about hurting her through suicide but rather that it would be very nice to love her even more, show her more affection. And yes, suicide does hurt a lot, but I prefer to avoid this topic because many people suffer a lot here and are unable to understand.

Thank you for your answer. I don’t preach like the other person who commented on my post would like to say. I am not even Christian. But I believe in God and do pray and I don’t think that this is forbidden here.

And yes, try natural remedies. Invest in your health and well being as much as you can. I’ve noticed that health is one of the most important things in life. And most of the time we are far from it…

I was pleased to meet you. I hope your life will somehow improve.

hope432 6/2/2020 - 2:48 pm

Yes, of course, you wouldn’t suggest anything from what I said while you suggest that drugs are better than cigarettes, isn’t it?

The thing is that I’ve tried natural remedies for two years with very good results while never experiencing drugs, which some of them do also cause cancer and also horrible mental problems, did you not know it?

As for cigarettes causing cancer, it’s a known fact. But many people still don’t get it while 99% of those who experience drugs get mental problems in some way or another.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 2:57 pm

No. Most drugs are bad. I specifically said weed. So before you start preaching (which isn’t allowed here FYI you might have missed that because you seem to do it a lot) you should probably read a little bit closer.

And its nice that natural remedies worked for you but again IT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYONE. Did you see it that time or shall I make the font bigger for you some how because you seem to be blind.

Many people? Yeah 1.2 million isn’t a lot of people you’re right I’ll just let all those families know what happened to their loved one isn’t a big deal. And they only get mental problems if they ABUSE the drug. If used correctly LIKE EVERY OTHER PRESCRIBED DRUG OUT THERE nothing’s going to happen.

Before you start stating facts you should probably learn them yourself because I am getting my information from reliable resources not biased places like you seem to get yours.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:13 pm

Also I dont go around saying people should use drugs and get high. However you DO go around suggesting they get addicted to cigarettes and end up with cancer possibly causing them death. So before you start calling people down for getting high and forgetting their problems for an hour or so you should take a look in the mirror at what you’re doing. I’ve only ever suggested it once and that’s because they said that medication wasn’t helping them and even when I did suggest it I advised against it. You however go around saying “oh I smoke cigarettes you should try that” and before you say you don’t I’ve seen it MANY times.

hope432 6/2/2020 - 3:18 pm

Could you please kindly explain where did I say that medication doesn’t help? Or where did I say that people should smoke? Or please, think for a moment, why attacking my post? Where did I call people down? The only think which I do say is that it’s better to smoke normal cigarettes rather than do drugs.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:38 pm

“I like to smoke (normal cigarettes, not drugs) to feel better throughout the day while not exaggerating.” your inferring that they should try it. Sometimes it’s what’s between the lines not what’s actually being said.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:38 pm

And you infer a lot of things and I’m not sure you even realize it.

hope432 6/2/2020 - 3:14 pm

@devilisclose, first of all, I have only compassion for you now and I seek no argument with you.
Secondly, both smoking normal cigarettes and using drugs are very harmful. The difference however is that it’s much easier to quit smoking than drugs. Most of the time, it’s extremely difficult to quit drugs and they also damage the mind unlike smoking.

Of course, smoking is not very good either but you can still afford to smoke 4-7 cigarettes per day and hopefully one day to quit. There is another story with drugs, including weed. If they want to legalize them and push humanity a bit closer to the abyss, very well.

As for ‘preaching’, I don’t preach. Where did you get that? I am simply a human being who happened to be able to improve his life a little bit.

Also, natural remedies was only a suggestion. I like to bring hope(as in my username) and I hope that at least someone may benefit from my advice. And I don’t understand why some people, like you, seem to believe that’s better to spread only misery , gloom and doom.
Could you please kindly explain, why do you think that all is lost? Do you think that only drugs can bring you relief from pain? I have empathy for you and I just try to understand you better. Sorry for the question, I hope they don’t bother you too much.

Jack 6/2/2020 - 4:15 pm

I agree that as long as you don’t exagerate with cigarettes and alcohol, they are not as harmful as these damn drugs, pills that I’ve taken for all these years for my mental health

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:33 pm

I don’t need your compassion. Also no it’s not easier to quit smoking instead of drugs depending on the drug. (nicotine, there’s nothing added or naturally in weed to be addictive). Stop saying drugs. I’m specifically talking about weed. By saying drugs you’re inferring all drugs and I do have to agree with you when it comes to drugs like heroin and cocain however NOT WEED. You are less likely to get addicted to weed compared to cigarettes. Again no idea where you get your information but you should probably update it.

You do preach. Unless you somehow think that in almost every initial comment you suggesting that praying or saying you’ll pray from them isn’t preaching. Some people just don’t believe in God and you really have to stop forcing it on them. AND YES constantly mentioning praying and God is forcing it on them.

As for your last paragraph WOW! You’ve misread literally everything I’ve said and it just goes to show how much you really don’t know me. So before you start thinking all I want to do is spread misery and endorse drugs like they can magically fix everything maybe you could try actually reading what I’ve said and doing some up to date. nonbiased, medical research. (not just some stupid gossip website (not saying that’s where you get your info just saying that you shouldn’t get it there)) because again yes weed can cause problems but only if you abuse it and there’s a lot more people getting cancer from smoking cigarettes then there are from smoking weed. A lot of cancer patients actually use weed to help them with different problems that cancer and chemo can cause.

Abnormal.Thoughts 6/2/2020 - 3:53 pm

I don’t think any of the suggestions are being made in malice or with the intent to force anything on anyone, it’s just what has worked for them and so they are suggesting it for another. I do agree weed is one of the safest of drugs even over alcohol or cigarettes. I don’t think that needs debated.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 3:59 pm

I’m not saying it’s in malice and yes I did say force but that was only in concern to God as I have witnessed them saying “I’ll pray for you” after the person asked them not to.

But it’s more in about what they infer which I’m really starting to think they don’t even notice. I try not to infer thinks I don’t mean but sometimes things slip. They do it in almost every comment they make and some of the things they infer, like smoking” could get someone killed. Or at least in a worse condition. I’ve tried all the herbal remedy stuff and none of it did anything for me. All I’m saying as far as that’s concerned is it doesn’t help everyone and they seem to act like it’s the magical answer for everything. Which honestly kinda confused me because weed is more herbal then cigarettes unless you buy the leaf and make it all up yourself skipping the horrible factory process it goes through.

hope432 6/2/2020 - 4:03 pm

@devilisclose, I apologize if I offended you somehow or made you feel low or misunderstood. I seek no quarrel with you. We all suffer here to some degree or another. It’s pointless to have arguments and it can increase misery even more.

I hope you will feel better somehow.

thedevilisclose 6/2/2020 - 4:07 pm

*eyeroll* uh huh sure. Enjoy your “cancer sticks” (it has that nickname for a reason while weed doesnt. Keep that in mind before you start dising things)

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