This seems counterintuitive.
I hate Monday’s. Yesterday morning I had that sinking feeling again and I was ready to go through with my plans and kill myself. I wasn’t scared, I was completely ready, but I knew I shouldn’t, and the plan is to wait until July anyways, so I was looking for a way to make the day more bearable. About 9 AM I determined I was going to have a drink to relax a little and just deal with it.
I was drunk by 10, sure, I still wanted to die at that point but I wasn’t as concerned about doing it right then. So I just stayed drunk until the end of the day, was too tired to do much more, and went to bed.
It worked, but logically I know that drinking is just another bad coping skill and alcohol is known to make suicide more likely to happen as it lowers inhibitions.
I just hope when it is time I will feel as confident as I did yesterday and won’t back out as I have in the past. I don’t know why I keep holding out when I’m miserable continuing on afterwards anyways.
Just venting, I needed to get it out.