dunno

another rock bottom after crest and trough, conscious choices and emotional choices still kinda confused despite knowing feeling hazy and hit hard unfairly a lot of times, used to think of just delays but now just laying on the ground motionless but also feeling like a rat in a rattrap , knowing rat is outside the rattrap, that hazy disillusioned confusion offered by time alone and pain associated with the same, freedom and desperation and hope in a paradoxical circle. god this is too much. not to add the figurative nightmares at night. and yeah some kind of new i dunno pain in my ribs , and inaction , not being able to move like my whole body is motorile, and wanna donno do im already causing self harm in milder degrees, wanting to have the courage to take it to neck and not wanting to knowing could be better, that oscillation of shit i cant explain taking control of my life. my metaphorical emotional bonds taking a toll. goodness its fuzzy when it most definitely shouldnt be. sad.