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by thehusk

It’s not so much that I want to die. It’s that I don’t want to live with this reality. Which is dumb, because there are no alternatives. But my mind is incredibly resistant to ‘making the best of things’. I’m a stubborn asshole, and I don’t know how to stop that. I can plan it all out on paper, how I’m going to slowly improve myself and my circumstances. But when it comes to actually dealing with the day to day reality, I turn away, time and again. I refuse. I reject reality, and my place in it. And the only solution seems to be to numb it all away – in the hopes that I’ll forget all of the jagged edges to the picture I see. I’ll forget who I am, and what I’ve done, and what I want to do, and what the world thinks of people like me.


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Once 6/26/2020 - 1:47 pm

It seems to me that the biggest obstacle you deal with is reconciling yourself, learning to accept yourself. I guess that’s because I struggle with that also, and what you say resonates with me. The whole mentality of “I’m fundamentally flawed” is so corrosive and leads to a multitude of other issues. Anywho. There’s my best impression of Linus, from the Peanuts comics. “The doctor is in.”

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 3:21 pm

I suppose for me it comes from not wanting to be alone anymore. So I view myself through the eyes of others, and what I see is so utterly unacceptable that I can’t take it, and feel the need to retreat. It feels impossible not to view myself as ‘fundamentally flawed’.

vagabond 6/26/2020 - 2:02 pm

Have you tried weed

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 3:23 pm

No…not sure why. Probably fear that it will make me even more dysfunctional – I’m not good at doing things in moderation.

Abandoned 6/26/2020 - 3:44 pm

weed might not be the best thing for you, from reading your posts and what not. i personally find that with my dissociation weed just makes everything a million times worse and i have nothing but extremely bad trips unless im careful.

not saying you have dissociation just that weed and some mental disorders arent best friends

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 4:11 pm

Yeah, not sure. Don’t think I’m particularly prone to disassociation or psychosis. But I could easily see myself spending every day stoned. Which might not be helpful.

Abandoned 6/26/2020 - 4:21 pm

im not sure about psychosis but i know with dissociation you notice. its almost impossible to not know.
at first i saw the world in black and white. then i saw auras. (there were breaks of normalcy in between different episodes). then i felt like i was watching my life like it was a movie. and from there i just became more and more disconnected with everything until it was nothing more then pinpoint vision and i couldnt hear very well. if i was doing something or thinking it would take a while to get my attention. that went on for a while. no idea how long. because of it my sense of time and my memory got all screwed up. i was doing better for a few days a week or so ago. however recently it decided to make a reappearance. no wheres near as bad. my seeing still the best but its a lot better then it use to be and the other problem would be feeling disconnected from my body. im not connected with it but its still in arms reach which is a lot better. i was fairly confident i was dead it was so bad before. and medications do nothing when your dissociated. basically just trust me when i say youd know lol

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 4:44 pm

No, never experienced anything like that. Sounds pretty messed up?

Abandoned 6/26/2020 - 5:05 pm

yeah it is. totally not fun. and support groups are no help. at my worse, i could be in a room filled with people and id feel completely alone. plus i have trust issues so i lacked the ability to believe anything anyone told me. and all of my actions and everything i said were foreign to me.

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 5:50 pm

🙁 Can identify with feeling totally alone in a group anyway.

Abandoned 6/26/2020 - 5:56 pm

yeah….if theres any more than me and 1 other person the 2+ people talk and i stand quietly by the sidelines kicking my foot in the dirt. thats not to do with the dissociation though.

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 6:06 pm

hell, even if it’s just me and 1 other person it might end in awkward silence. But even if I’m talking to people, a lot of the time it just makes me feel more distant and sad. Like I’m just going through the motions.

Abandoned 6/26/2020 - 6:11 pm

did you ever look into different kinds of dissociation? i have depersonalization-derealization disorder. maybe you have one that isnt quite as serious as what i have.

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 7:00 pm

I don’t think so. I think it’s more of a social/personality thing. i’ll put on a front while I’m talking to someone, and be aware that I’m doing it, but in the background there’s a part of me that knows that it’s all hollow.

vagabond 6/26/2020 - 8:48 pm

Weed will definitely help you make the best of things, but… I don’t know about lacking moderation? It seems like some people only smoke weed to get high? Which at the point when it becomes apparent that even marijuana doesn’t help them, I don’t know what to say. I think it’s a bit of how you react to it. I’m usually so tense and angry that when I smoke, not right away, but after an extended period of smoking, I become like a guru. It’s like everything obfuscating my mind is gone. I focus less on the little things and everything else is just a matter of course. I become a whole person. People like me. It’s like that thing where they say you only use 10% of your brain, but it’s actually true- I heard marijuana lights up the pathways you rarely use or have forgotten about. It’s just very unpleasant to smoke and the culture surrounding it is equally repulsive. and filled with negative people. It would help you break through that hollow shell and embrace the world in a patient and understanding way, but at what cost? Weed is expensive. XD

Idk, you seem smart enough, marijuana could definitely influence you in a positive way. There are just other factors to consider. Which I’m too tired to list, bla bla bla you pretty much get the point. It’s your decision.

Jack 6/26/2020 - 2:17 pm

Do you think that maybe you struggle because you want to understand the world around you and you can’t? This is what I realized and now I live without thinking about it and I feel good.

vagabond 6/26/2020 - 2:25 pm

I struggle with this every day. I think not everybody likes to admit it.

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 3:30 pm

I think perhaps with me it’s that I sometimes feel I do understand the world around me – and it terrifies/depresses me. If I could give up on trying to understand…I’m not sure how I’d navigate the world? Possibly I’m addicted to thinking.

Rainwatch 6/26/2020 - 2:32 pm

This is top notch writing. It spells out my situation exactly.

Rainwatch 6/26/2020 - 2:34 pm

@vagabond just picked up 70 euros worth, I’m gonna give it a good home!

vagabond 6/26/2020 - 8:50 pm

I’m actually moving to a different state to get it prescribed medicinally. Hopefully things work out.

muspelhem 6/26/2020 - 5:07 pm

Split your day 50/50 into delayed gratification (activities that feel good after you have done them) and instant gratification (activities that feel good while you do them).

Examples of activities that offer delayed gratification are: doing your taxes, doing the dishes, applying for jobs, taking out the trash, etc.

Examples of activities that offer instant gratification are: watching Netflix, eating ice cream, jerking off, etc.

Life is finite and its length unpredictable, so living in the moment is important. But so is planning for tomorrow. If you neglect that, you’re setting yourself up for future difficulties.

Since both are important, why not split them 50/50?

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 6:00 pm

Sounds like a good system. I think my issue is maintaining resolve while planning for tomorrow, and postponing/limiting instant gratification. Planning for tomorrow requires facing reality, and that frequently triggers feelings of despair and hopelessness. And I quickly reach a ‘fuck-it’ point where I retreat to instant gratification. Except that only temporarily relieves the despair, so I end up in a spiral of instant gratification trying to keep it at bay.

muspelhem 6/26/2020 - 6:30 pm

Very relatable. I am an impulsive guy. I try to do 52 minutes of work followed by 17 minutes of play etc. That also leaves the evening free for relaxation.

The advantage is that the work feels more manageable because it is interspersed with doing whatever one wants. While the play feels more pleasurable, because you have “earned” it.

I don’t follow the system perfectly, not at all. And I procrastinate a lot on larger tasks.

muspelhem 6/26/2020 - 6:33 pm

Regarding reality, as a 36-year-old “failure to launch” kind of guy, I suppose my reality and future is pretty bleak.

However, I have realised that it is pointless to worry too much about the future. Again, it’s not that you should never worry about the future, but it’s a balance.

Right now the sun is shining, and that is free and available to everyone (until Mr. Burns comes along).

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 7:14 pm

That’s an interestingly specific division of time. I’m not sure I could stop myself after just 17 minutes of anything I was really enjoying, but I suppose I could stick to ‘minor gratifications’ – listening to a few songs or something, and leave more compulsive things to later on.

I suppose ‘bleak’ is a matter of perspective – there’s always someone worse off. But I do often feel like it’s completely pointless for me to keep living. I wish I could stop having those moments of realization.

muspelhem 6/26/2020 - 9:32 pm

Yes. It’s based on some apparent research that was done that showed that the most productive employees on average followed that pattern. So I suppose the numbers are strange because they are averages.

I am sorry to hear that. I have skimmed tons of self-help trying to get myself motivated to get things done rather than just waiting to die. I have come to the conclusion that what motivates people varies – it has to make sense to YOU – it’s no good if e.g. it makes sense to me.

This guy called Piers Steel even found a formula for motivation:

Motivation = Expectancy x Value / Impulsiveness x Delay

So you need an expectation of success, a goal you actually value, and you need a deadline. Impulsiveness varies from person to person.

Another tip is to set up your environment to make reaching your goals easier. That seems to be what works – not relying on willpower.

Basically, you have to make good behaviors easier and bad behaviors more difficult.

So e.g. if you live right next to a gym you are probably more likely to work out than someone who lives further away.

And if you get a debit card instead of a credit card, you can’t run up credit.

These kinds of tricks are really useful, because you are outsourcing your willpower to the environment.

thehusk 6/26/2020 - 9:49 pm

Thank you, that’s a lot of solid advice.

muspelhem 6/27/2020 - 12:36 pm

I realise it was also unsolicited. I apologise.

thehusk 6/27/2020 - 2:59 pm

Don’t apologise! Well researched and considered advice is hard to come by. Beats truisms every time. Planning to try some of what you mentioned, so I’ll see how I get on.

muspelhem 6/27/2020 - 4:36 pm

Thank you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

muspelhem 6/27/2020 - 4:42 pm

Also, I think the formula needs brackets, like so:

Motivation = Expectancy x Value / (Impulsiveness x Delay)

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