fucking shit

for the last couple of days i post here, in this site and although im very much depressed and suicidal i must admit that writing helps, even if its lost in the cyberspace moments later, the pressure seems to lessen for a small amount of time.

this time around (being suicidal with plans and almost a definite date, that is) the urge is a lot stronger than before. the miserable time im having all this years is accumulating and gathering inside me, it really freaks me out because i might really take action and although i know life is shit and its gonna get a lot shittier given time  the thought of actually doing it is very frightening – not the death in itself but the actual action and the possibility that i might fail and have brain damage, more trauma and the list goes on and on. its hard not to get anxious and i cant seem to relax even with a LOT of benzo’s, and a LOT of subutex. the only thing that seems to make me relax is crack and its very short lived. now i cant even get some because my car is busted and im short on cash so i sit in my lair all day with all of the known, regular pain and agony and just cant relax or sleep..  all i want is to be at peace. just now (as i write those words) a police woman came in my house to check on me and do a “welfare check” or whatever they call it because i was on an online help chat yesterday night, i just told them i was depressed and lonely nothing suicidal and said that i am all right and i will talk to someone.. this police state got all my info just from my email. dont ever use those online help chats – the 5-o will knock your door down god dammit!

sorry for the ranting and mumbling, im at my wits end…