How does it feel building up the strongest part of you?

Its like you feel alright but then something small just like a snap happens and then all your mind can think about is everything bad that has ever happened that is happening or that is gonna happen in the future. It fucking sucks. Its like you fall again and again in the spiral. Its like at the end of the day you are deep inside the spiral and then the next day you climb it all back working hard the whole day doing things to make things close to normal but then at some point as soon as you see the ray of light your leg slips and you fall back inside deep inside the spiral. And then again you wake up the next day and everything repeats itself. And the effort put into climbing back to the top just gets wasted because you know that at the end of the day, you’re gonna fall deep down again. And right now, you have the energy and your mind has the strength to try to climb back to the top but if you keep climbing and falling everyday like this then one day you will just accept that you can never come out of the spiral and that day you’ll stop climbing back because that day you’ll understand that there’s no point climbing back because what would even happen if by any chance you got out of the spiral, nothing. So that day you’ll face the loser in you. You’ll see that all the time and effort you put into this is wasted. Nothing mattered neither your love for maths nor your love for your family. Nothing mattered because you’ll realize that all this time when you were trying and trying, you forgot one thing– that you built the spiral in a way that it’s inevitable it’s indestructible it won’t destroy itself because it knows what happens when someone destroys themselves, it knows this because it has seen you destroying yourselves by your own hands, thoughts, actions. The spiral knows that if it has to be alive then it has to love itself and not you. Because if it starts loving you then you’ll gain back the power to destroy it, just like you had the power to built it, right in the middle of your head. So good work building up the strongest part of you all by yourself, credit goes to you.