I’m scared out of my wits most of nowadays, feeling like sneaky mouse surrounded by giants. That’s my place in the world and I’m scared of evrything, of men and women stronger than me, smarter than me, better looking, wittier, more successful one way or another, kinder or morally superior to me.
I realize now how little I understand the world. I’m like a human with a chimp’s mind, worthy only of condescending pity.
I just don’t know what to believe/disbelieve anymore. It’s beyond me to deal with reality. And what is reality btw? Everything is supernatural so far as I can see because I’m a witless beast in a bizarre universe with no physical limits which doesn’t make any sense to me (or maybe with limits which still doesnt make sense).
I’m a puppet in the hands of mere chance. There’s nothing deliberate about me. I do what is usually done; why, because others do the same. I’m not in control of anything. I eat food that is harvested, stored, transported, distributed, sold by a series of strangers. I can’t wrap my head around the process used to make my clothes or my shoes. I’m ignorant of all the technology that makes my phone work. Ditto every other big and small article I have. Totally dependent on unknown unkonwns. I can buy all this stuff because I have a wad of money which I got by doing meaningless work. If I could grow a potato that would have more purpose to it than what I do. And yet I somehow OWN real stuff by getting paid for doing unreal stuff. My undeservedness scares me.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. Apologies to anyone who read this expecting coherence. Guess I just need some outlet to my mental torrent. Fucking hell I’m tired of constant thinking.