Limbo

I watched someone who had been sitting at the end of a pier planning to jump. I didn’t realise this at the time. I continued watching as she was persuaded not to; then escorted off by police, there were coastguards and a lifeboat on standby. The whole ordeal took about an hour but most of that time she was waiting for the ambulance in a police car.

Watching gave me some perspective that no matter how much you want to end it, you have to have the strength to overcome survival instinct. I’ve not been able to before standing on a bridge the precipice as it were, so it was no surprise but what happens to her?forced into counselling; locked in a cell on suicide watch or put into a mental hospital. Will I end up in that situation at some point in my life?

I feel like I’m in limbo stressed and depressed about potentially failing university modules but cannot motivate myself to complete the necessary work. Perfectionism partially but I don’t operate well if at all under pressure whether it’s my own or others. Self destructive definitely. People keep telling me that the only way out of my yo/yo between panicked/depressed and completely fine. Is that it is all in my head and I have to change for it to change which is undoubtedly true but I can’t see how I will ever make that transition. Stuck in limbo as others say in a spiral like on the cover of Brave New World or swallowed by darkness. Until I destroy myself either finically or emotionally, commit suicide or stabilise to conform to a contributing member of society.

Limbo in my current predicament but overall in my mental state thats too afraid to do something but at the same time terrified to do nothing. Which will prevail?