i am afraid and full of fear.
I’ve always been suicidal it was a matter of solace to me – the knowledge that i can always quit, always can press the off button was comforting and gave me a sense of control (a tiny bit that is) over my life..
lately those thoughts of suicide are far too intense to be of any comfort. i think it started with the COVID outbreak and the surreal, almost unbelievable sense of loneliness and isolation. in the past 2 months i’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts that comes from the most trivial and common stress or anxiety, for instance my car radiator broke down and the crooks at the garage trying to “take me for a ride” and not fixing my car for three days because i am not willing to pay more than the agreed upon price and being extremely impolite towards me. this example is quite extreme i now realize but a lot of times the smallest inconveniences drives me to want to end my life. being idle and not doing anything with my life or for my health is also a factor (i am working half time at a dead end job though). many many years all i do is sit and mope, hard drugs and movies. from being a really friendly guy with quite a few good friends i slowly, over a period of maybe 10 years, became a hermit. it seems that i cant trust people anymore and being around people in a social settings exhaust me entirely, leaving me with the feeling that i just cant cope with people or society and having a resentment and even hatred towards them. it seems pointless trying to overcome all those obstacles and for what? i have been on this path for the most part of the last 20 years or more even. i’ll be 40 next year and cant remember what fun or content feels like. all i want is peace, just peace and nothing else. i dont believe i will kill myself but not because of the good reasons people talk about but out of sheer cowardice and the inability to decide anything of any importance. the easy way out is a cliche with no truth to it, it takes a great deal of balls and courage to take ones life in my opinion, that is.. so i dont know why i wrote it or for what purpose but i did and i guess i’ll press on the blue publish button anyway.