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suicide – prison break

by wasd

i am afraid and full of fear.

I’ve always been suicidal  it was a matter of solace to me – the knowledge that i can always quit, always can press the off button was comforting and gave me a sense of control (a tiny bit that is) over my life..

lately those thoughts of suicide are far too intense to be of any comfort. i think it started with the COVID outbreak and the surreal, almost unbelievable sense of loneliness and isolation. in the past 2 months i’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts that comes from the most trivial and common stress or anxiety, for instance my car radiator broke down and the crooks at the garage trying to “take me for a ride” and not fixing my car for three days because i am not willing to pay more than the agreed upon price and being extremely impolite towards me. this example is quite extreme i now realize but a lot of times the smallest inconveniences drives me to want to end my life. being idle and not doing anything with my life or for my health is also a factor (i am working half time at a dead end job though).  many many years all i do is sit and mope, hard drugs and movies. from being a really friendly guy with quite a few good friends i slowly, over a period of maybe 10 years, became a hermit. it seems that i cant trust people anymore  and being around people in a social settings exhaust me entirely, leaving me with the feeling that i just cant cope with people or society and having a resentment and even hatred towards them. it seems pointless trying to overcome all those obstacles and for what? i have been on this path for the most part of the last 20 years or more even. i’ll be 40 next year and cant remember what fun or content feels like. all i want is peace, just peace and nothing else. i dont believe i will kill myself  but not because of the good reasons people talk about but out of sheer cowardice and the inability to decide anything of any importance. the easy way out is a cliche with no truth to it, it takes a great deal of balls and courage to take ones life in my opinion, that is..  so i dont know why i wrote it or for what purpose but i did and i guess i’ll press on the blue publish button anyway.

18 comments
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18 comments

Once 6/20/2020 - 2:34 pm

I had to check the authors name on your post. This also sounds like my situation. Wish I had something useful to say, other than know you’re not alone.

wasd 6/20/2020 - 3:59 pm

Thank you Once!
truly appreciated – sometimes a couple of words means a lot more than thousands and thousands of meaningless ones.

niki 6/20/2020 - 3:46 pm

I can relate a lot with what you’ve said.

wasd 6/20/2020 - 4:00 pm

thank you Niki! <3

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 3:51 pm

“and for what?” Exactly!

There was a time when my whole plans for the future were shattered, and I didn’t know what does one do with one’s life, and it was a long 3 years journey of restless search for truth. Suicide was never among my options, for I took into account that I have only 1 life, and want to use this limited time wisely. At the end I found Lord Jesus Christ, He is my path and purpose, and the Most Holy Theotokos my comforter.

May you find your path and purpose too! For existence really wears one down if one doesn’t have a purpose. But the human being who has a purpose, can endure as many pains as necessary, in the pursuit of that goal.

wasd 6/20/2020 - 4:09 pm

Thank you Sbilko but…
for one i dont and cant believe in a god like that and two even if there was for a fact a god or gods its very hard or even impossible to believe that human beings well being and happiness is a top or even minor priority for him\them.. maybe the opposite is true but i doubt that as well..
cheers though

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 5:15 pm

It’s okay! Thank you for your honesty! That’s what I found.

I entreat you to search for a reason, because existence wears one down if one doesn’t have a purpose. Find what you find!! This is what I encourage you to do; the pains of living are greater than the pleasures, this is why I ask you to search for a reason, because one can endure through any amount of pain, in the pursuit of a goal.

What goal would you aim for? I wonder.

wasd 6/20/2020 - 6:27 pm

well i have tried a lot of things over the years and now i am just tired. tired of trying, tired of looking for answers for there are none. its all very tiring and frustrating. things dosent get better and i dont get used to the pain of existence – if something at all its all getting worse and harder to cope with. i am a whiny little shyte and thats a given but nothing seems to help. not one god damn thing! for now the only good thing i see in life is that they will end with or without my help…

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 7:07 pm

Search, brother, I’m sure you can find it!! If you haven’t found it, and are not searching, then you won’t be addressing the cause of your pains (the pains inherent to life), and they won’t go away, but, as you said, only get worse.

I searched, and I encourage you to search too! The void inside needs to be addressed, mine isn’t there anymore. The solution appears to only who seeks the solution, the solution not being death!!

Search, search restlessly like I did, in addressing the void inside, what’s to lose, there’s so much to gain from it!!!

wasd 6/20/2020 - 7:55 pm

Sbilko- you sound very sure of yourself and thats fine with me but please dont assume you know anything about me – i quote you – “you won’t be addressing the cause of your pains (the pains inherent to life)” – why are you so sure that my pains are inherent to life? do you have a magic crystal ball ? did jesus tell you all about me and my pains? i dont wish to offend you but please spare me the pathos and the preaching if you can for its unhelpful, cliche ridden, arrogant and somewhat insulting – “brother”

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 8:32 pm

Wasd, I’m really sorry for coming off as unhelpful, cliche-ridden, arrogant and insulting. And for making assumptions too. I didn’t mean to annoy or hurt you in any way, but to help. I’m really sorry for failing so miserably and terribly.

It’s okay, you didn’t offend me; the “brother” part actually made my day :p
And, above all, Thank you for your honesty, I truly appreciate it!!

wasd 6/20/2020 - 9:28 pm

i am sorry too for being dramatic and explosive. i appreciate the fact that you own your (in my opinion) misguided approach in this ultra sensitive website designed for the super ultra sensitive people of this wretched world. i believe you can be more helpful if you wont assume stuff and tread lightly when commenting or replying to one of us hurt filled, super ultra sensitive people,
“brother” 😉

Sbilko 6/20/2020 - 10:16 pm

I accept it and send you one big and warm hug!! 😀

Yes, I signed up for this, and keep doing so literally every time I log in. It’s okay, it’s fine! It’s a fallen world. Thank you for your advice, I’ll try my best to follow it!!

no name 6/21/2020 - 4:44 am

i cant help but notice that you keep saying “sorry for offending you” and stuff like that. but you never take anyones advice on how to fix it. you just keep doing it and annoying more people.

vagabond 6/21/2020 - 4:53 am

*eats popcorn*

vagabond 6/21/2020 - 4:54 am

Yo… ??’? ????? ?????????.

vagabond 6/21/2020 - 4:54 am

Guess italic text doesn’t work. The dude is being sarcastic, no name.

vagabond 6/21/2020 - 5:12 am

Of course, you could always have been being sarcastic yourself. But judging by the other two who can’t tell, and the way you worded your statement, it doesn’t seem likely.

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