I have not been here in a long time. And when I do come back here to write, I first read my own posts, then motivate myself to get out of whatever little pit I am in and move on.
But right now I don’t want to do that.
Right now I rather wallow in my self pity. I don’t know why. I have been so stressed lately with everything I have going on, and the positive self-talk and manifestations are either not working or tiring me out. I just can’t right now. And the negative judgement I get from the people that are supposed to care for me right now further add to the disappointment.
Instead of ignoring the negativity like I usually do, I guess i’ll just soak it all in. Instead of doing something productive with myself, I guess i’ll fuel the stigma my dad has of the lazy, stay at home freeloader he has made me out to be.
I keep falling for it all. When the sun is up all I can think of is how much of a fucking loser I am for not being able to get a job right now and doing nothing productive towards my goals and when the sun is down all I can dwell on is how fucking lonely I am. And now I am tired of telling myself otherwise so I guess for tonight i’ll accept it. You want to look down on me and fucking feel disappointed in me? Well good because so do I, so now imma go get fucking drunk and do some further disappointing.
3 comments
I can relate to a lot you wrote. if only i could think of something to say to you but all i can think of is a bunch of cheesy meaningless phrases. maybe only that sometimes alcohol is a friend… i hope you’ll feel better soon. fuck what norm dictates!
everyone needs a break from being strong. if youve been working that hard at being positive and trying to rid yourself from your depression, id say you deserve it. just dont try to let it completely over take you again 🙂
I know it’s especially hard when it’s family, but people are gonna do what they are gonna do, and sometimes what they are gonna do is be an unempathic dick (no offense to your dad).
Anyway, what I’m saying is you can’t control others (I mean you can try, but it is rarely sustainable). And it can be quite the weight off your chest once that really sinks in. Others are gonna be fuckwits. And there’s fuck all you can do about it.