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there is no point, there was no point and there will be no point

by 15andfuckedup

I’m a fucking let down. I disappoint everyone including myself. I know some of you think that I should try to be a better person instead of whining. But I can’t. I’ve tried working hard these couple of days, I did everything that could possibly improve my thinking. I talked to an old friend (altho she talked to me first but eh). I focused on my studies more than ever. I read books. I spent time with my family, playing games and stuff. I made a new friend. I tried eating more. I told myself gazillion times a day that everything will be alright and that I got this. I even tried pushing away the thought of dying. I shouted at that thing inside my head.

Now, why don’t I just continue doing all of this so that eventually I’ll get better? I wish I would’ve been saying “this whole trying to improve thing has more or less helped me” instead of ” this fricking thing didn’t do shit”. But I can’t really lie to myself about this.

I never took a moment to think whether I was improving or not. Because I was too scared that if I checked on myself then I would start doubting myself and the whole hard work would come crashing down. But now that I’ve realised that my effort didn’t do shit, I can analyse that I didn’t improve, nothing fucking changed. These past few days, I had been trying to get out of the spiral, to climb up and get out of it. But there’s no point


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Emmerson79 6/23/2020 - 6:55 pm

You made a new friend . A positive and a very good point. Your efforts rewarded šŸ™‚

Keep up the good work without expectation and guaranteed, you will experience more positive coming into your life.

15andfuckedup 6/24/2020 - 8:44 am

Yeah, I’m glad I met them. But the thing is that doesn’t change anything.
Nah, I don’t think I’ll be keeping up the good work, seems like the good work doesn’t like me much.
Thanks for thinking that there could be some positivity in my life.

tightspiral 6/24/2020 - 12:47 am

You’re probably not here looking for pity so I won’t give you any, but I really understand how you feel. Especially when you mention the spiral. I use that analogy for myself a lot. I feel like i’m in a spiral that only gets tighter and the more I try to loosen it the tighter it gets. Like I’m not meant to get better. So I just want you to know you’re not the only one who feels like this.

15andfuckedup 6/24/2020 - 8:46 am

Thank you for saying that.
In my case, it’s like I fall deeper and deeper inside the spiral and everytime I try climbing back, I fail.

wasd 6/24/2020 - 9:56 am

hi there! i’d like to say that in this space its cool to whine, i whine all the time here and sometimes i find it helps a bit. no one will judge you and believe me when i say it is a very safe space. the most safe that i have found yet. i guess what i wanted to say is that maybe dont try and improve yourself, allow yourself to be, just be you know? i find societal rules and norms hurtful and image is everything – extremely unhealthy mentally IMO. if i guess right and youre about 15-16 (your username gave me that impression not your writing which is a lot more mature sounding) then i think its the most painful age in life, for me it was for sure, until now at least (im 39). i dont say it gets better (actually it does here and there) but you do get use to the pain to some extant and i know that you are at risk. please dont give up! not yet anyway. it is obvious you are an intelligent guy and sensitive – you have no idea how much you are needed in this world of stupidity and ignorance..
i hope that the volume of the pain you are in will decrease and remember that as there is life there is hope. its a cliche but its true.. hope to read more of you soon,

15andfuckedup 6/24/2020 - 5:50 pm

hey, thank you for saying that.
and yes ik this is a safe place, ive been here for a few months ig. idk what being me means. idk who i am. i want to get better for the people who care about me even tho they don’t understand me. i cant imagine the reaction of my parents when they become aware of the fact that their daughter wishes to end her life. i did talk to my mom about depression but nothing changed, it only got worse.
getting used to the pain would be idk. i hope that too. i hope that it gets better for everyone. but if it doesn’t then i hope that they get the strength to do it, instead of living an eternity of suffering.
and yes i’m 15.

wasd 6/26/2020 - 8:41 am

oh, sorry for calling you a guy. now when i see that youre a girl its all the more painful i feel. i really wish i could write something comforting or helpful all i have is that i also dont know who and what i am and just being is tricky but imo you should be more selfish – dont improve yourself for other, do it only for yourself and only if you wish to.. i cant see how someone can improve herself anyhow, whats to improve? you are what you are even if you dont understand it and only time improve us or corrupt us, maybe both. maybe try to focus on yourself, your wants and needs and just be selfish – i think thats what i meant when writing just be. yes! be selfish is my advise… hope you feel a bit better now,

15andfuckedup 6/27/2020 - 3:19 am

thank you for your advice.
but i can’t really do that yk. because firstly, i’m selfish enough and secondly, my family is unlucky enough to have a child like me. being more selfish won’t be fair to them ig. my wants? i have a single wish, to die.

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