I’m a fucking let down. I disappoint everyone including myself. I know some of you think that I should try to be a better person instead of whining. But I can’t. I’ve tried working hard these couple of days, I did everything that could possibly improve my thinking. I talked to an old friend (altho she talked to me first but eh). I focused on my studies more than ever. I read books. I spent time with my family, playing games and stuff. I made a new friend. I tried eating more. I told myself gazillion times a day that everything will be alright and that I got this. I even tried pushing away the thought of dying. I shouted at that thing inside my head.
Now, why don’t I just continue doing all of this so that eventually I’ll get better? I wish I would’ve been saying “this whole trying to improve thing has more or less helped me” instead of ” this fricking thing didn’t do shit”. But I can’t really lie to myself about this.
I never took a moment to think whether I was improving or not. Because I was too scared that if I checked on myself then I would start doubting myself and the whole hard work would come crashing down. But now that I’ve realised that my effort didn’t do shit, I can analyse that I didn’t improve, nothing fucking changed. These past few days, I had been trying to get out of the spiral, to climb up and get out of it. But there’s no point