In the morning I wake up feeling down and just too bad. But I just lock this stupid feeling because if I don’t then I am not able to get up from my bed. Then the day goes on, and I get up brush my teeth, take a shower, maybe a breakfast, and then basically keep doing something or the other the entire day. The day passes just like that– me forcing myself to do things that a 15 y/o is supposed to do. The sun sets down. The night comes in on little cat feet. (that’s a metaphor i recently learnt). And I’m left with myself because everyone else is sleeping because apparently they’re normal. And that feeling that I had locked inside myself in the morning, gets unlocked and everything bad comes to my notice, more clearly, more closely than the day. I personally am not a big fan of late nights but I can’t fall asleep before like 5 am or something. And the night starts, it’s so weird to think about this but like overthinking just sucks. It fucking sucks. But I can’t help it, the more I try not to think about overthinking, the more I overthink. At night, I feel like I can see parts of my mind, like memories and feelings and stuff (not frickin pituitary gland or medulla), flying in the air around me. I come across every bad thing, every bad thing that has ever happened to me. Like every fucking night, it’s so repetitive that now I think it’s just like school where you basically do the same things everyday and new things add up to your list. I would just lay there in my bed and stare at the ceiling and look at these thoughts, feelings and memories float around me. Some are even written on the ceiling, like maybe a picture of what happened or maybe in words. And then there’s these pictures of younger me, hanging on the wall. I look at them and feel bad, just bad for that 2 or 3, idk, year old girl. Then there’s like a shit ton of trophies that I earned or whatever, that constantly make me feel even shittier, they are just in that shelf, peeking out, mocking me. It’s all bad. Even when I close my eyes to avoid seeing all this, they remain open, like it doesn’t matter if my eyes are shut close or open. My brain just makes me see stuff. So yeah, nights are really dark.