I’m constantly questioning the decision to keep living. I don’t know if it’s purely based on dumb survival instinct, and if there’s any way to overcome that. And if there is, should I?
I know I’m suffering, but it’s not that extreme – just this chronic, middle-of-the-road thing. I’m uncomfortable much of the time, but rarely in excruciating pain. My mental suffering is probably significantly worse than most normal people, but I can numb it at least some of the time.
I can rationalize my fear of death in so many ways – fear of an afterlife, attachment to this world. But I don’t know if any of that is sensible. I have more reason than most to fear judgement and punishment. But apparently I’m not afraid enough to actually change. So why delay?
I can’t see things getting any better from here – I’ve spent too long being too broken. I can see things getting much worse. Why take that risk?
I don’t want to devastate my family. But I don’t think I have it in me to pretend to be functional and whole for their sake.
I’m so lost.