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by thehusk

I’m constantly questioning the decision to keep living. I don’t know if it’s purely based on dumb survival instinct, and if there’s any way to overcome that. And if there is, should I?

I know I’m suffering, but it’s not that extreme – just this chronic, middle-of-the-road thing. I’m uncomfortable much of the time, but rarely in excruciating pain. My mental suffering is probably significantly worse than most normal people, but I can numb it at least some of the time.

I can rationalize my fear of death in so many ways – fear of an afterlife, attachment to this world. But I don’t know if any of that is sensible. I have more reason than most to fear judgement and punishment. But apparently I’m not afraid enough to actually change. So why delay?

I can’t see things getting any better from here – I’ve spent too long being too broken. I can see things getting much worse. Why take that risk?

I don’t want to devastate my family. But I don’t think I have it in me to pretend to be functional and whole for their sake.

I’m so lost.

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Once 7/8/2020 - 1:10 am

Survival instinct, fear of an afterlife, and attachment to this world. Probably three of the most difficult aspects of the decision making process we face. I believe part of the survival instinct lies in sincerely wanting to be able to live better, not wanting to die. I CRAVE a different mindset, because my attachment to this world is strong. But the mindset just isnt there, and I’m pushing 60, so it’s more than likely never coming…but still, there’s this faint hope that somehow, someway, if I can just find a way, things will improve. Everyone has a different tipping point, some are reached quicker than others. For you, it may come down to simply acting after having had the same conversation with yourself just one time too many. I don’t know if that makes sense.

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