I think I’m really going to end it someday. This is all going to lack context, as usual. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t think I even care what happens to this planet anymore as long as I’m gone when it does. But maybe I’m attached to this planet. Maybe I shouldn’t be. Buddhism. And all that. I don’t know how, or why, but I constantly speak my thoughts out loud without realizing it. Like… literally. 24/7. My internal monologue is outside of my brain and I can’t hear it. I know this because so many people have let it slip through the years, so many hints, it’s just obvious, and yet they think I’M the one who doesn’t know. I’ve scoured the internet and I couldn’t find any name for it, all I found was a few scattered old forum posts of other people desperately searching for the answer to the same problem. But that’s nothing compared to the gaslighting I get when I finally got desperate and deranged enough to start telling the occasional random on the internet and even one person in real life about it. It just doesn’t make any sense. After so many years of people trying to hide it from me in an obvious attempt to preserve my sanity… How badly they panicked and tried to cover it up after some dumbass with a loud mouth almost blew their cover out of fear that I would be driven mad… And of course I have. But why? Why? No, maybe I should be asking how? How are there so many people with their heads up their asses?
I realize how stupid it would be to seek validation from sick people.. How could they have empathy for me when they’re so hard on themselves.. All the projections, the trying to justify the way their sibling or parent or classmates treated them.. How many people out there are walking around that are that messed up but put on a facade contributing to this false consciousness, this fake image of being alright and thinking they’re alright..
And these people all try to hide it and present this perfect image of themselves that they think most people eat up but really, they’re empty inside and are boiling over with rage.. And they can’t fool the people they want to fool the most, who they want to fool because for some reason those people are crucial to fooling themselves.. Or something along those lines.
Doesn’t Buddhism seem kinda messed up? I mean, not being attached to anything, that doesn’t make any sense? Right? I don’t WANT to be completely detached. I don’t know, I’m losing focus here.