I wonder if you’ll ever see this. I wonder if you’ll ever know exactly what you did or I did. I wish I could tell you how I feel but it changes day to day and please God tomorrow will be different because today I want to die. I hope I am only a corpse tomorrow morning. I think about death so much its too strange to think any of this is real. Me, who loved life and living and had all these things she wanted us to do.
She’s dead now, as dead as that girl at the x I thought was who you really would be to me , my god all this carnage, how did it go so horrible when I tried and tried to please you and yeah, hesitant sometimes, wanting to hang onto a few ‘what if’ doubts and for THAT for THAT you hurt me so much so much you terrified me. I tried to kill myself 2 times to get away. I thought my life force would return when you were gone but it hasn’t, I thought it would but I feel nothing but either numbness or exhaustion or grief or uselessness, I’m so self conscious now and so dull-brained, anyone else who loved me seems to have forgotten all about me or is so crushingly disappointed in me. So now all I want is the opposite of what I thought I did- the old place has gone but the x x bed survived, maybe someday we’ll reunite, lie there and leave this awful unhappy place in a puff of smoke.