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Death is all I ask for I just want to have peace with myself.

by seemokay

I wasn’t supposed to be alive on my 19th birthday , I’ve been trying to kill Myself since I was 11 & told myself i need to be dead by the time I turn 18th I failed so many times but then it got to the point where I would have to stop attempting because I would just fail & it seem that No matter what I tried nothing worked. It got to the point that I would have to stop trying to kill Myself because I had to work the next day so the only thing I could do is cry myself to sleep. I recently got a cat his name is Leo & if it wasn’t for him I’d keep trying to kill Myself he means so much to me I can’t kill Myself because I can’t leave him alone. My family won’t love him as much as I do or take care of him as I do I also feed a stray cat also I look out for her. But sadly I’m feeling weaker & weaker I’m trying to be strong for Leo but I’m just losing myself I’m too depressed I’m so sad. He’s my baby & I love him so much & I can’t imagine him not being with me & i tend to think the worst to torture myself & it hurts me so much. For the past few weeks I decided that I wanted to talk to someone because I just feel like I’m getting worst but I have to keep it all to myself I have to pretend like I’m okay go to work & put on an act. But due to this pandemic no one will take me on no one would talk to me like sorry I finally decided to ask for help at such a bad time. Atleast I tried right I tried asking for help & no one listened. No one cared. I hate that I’m just getting older & im still feeling like this. Im doing nothing with my life I’m not in school & I’m at a job that seems to lead me no where. Just keep having bad days. No one talks to me,no one wants to, no one listens to me it’s like if no one hears me. I feel worthless.

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2 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 7/7/2020 - 8:21 am

At only 18 you have a lot of big changes ahead of you. I don’t know your whole story but in the next few years your whole life can change drastically. Hang in there for Leo.
There are the online therapy places like talk space and Better help you could try.

Abandoned 7/7/2020 - 8:57 am

keep trying to get help. one thing i regret is not getting help as soon as i could. as abnormal thoughts said there are online options you can try. there is also this site and you can go through courses on your own
https:// cimhs. com/bliss-free-online-therapy-for-depression.html

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