here we are again

i remember the way i felt when i was younger, i remember how i would feel when i would go on family trips or go to the toy store. in that moment i felt alive. lately my life has seemed bleak and empty, i mean it has felt this way for a while but usually some moments in life tend to mask that feeling. i feel like i am just a shell of a person and that i don’t matter to anyone, whenever people say i matter i know that’s just bullshit because if i did people would check up on me, people would call to make sure i am okay, people would reach out when they would notice my scars. i just feel so alone. i feel like there is no point to any of this. i sometimes wonder where that happy little girl my family knew years ago went, out of nowhere i just changed completely. my life is falling apart at the seams, my family life isn’t going so well, i have a shitty ex boyfriend who constantly hurts me and treats me like shit but no matter what i always go back because i don’t know of any other love, i feel like this is the only love i deserve. i am a terrible person so maybe i deserve to feel hollow. maybe i deserve to have that heavy feeling against my chest every morning, maybe i deserve to not exist. after all i already feel like i don’t exist, i feel like i am dead in a living world.