My brain is endlessly hung up on things I know logically are no good for me. This dumb insistence that if I could just find this specific thing in this specific way, then everything would be ok. That I would finally be happy again after over all these years.
Rationally, I know it wouldn’t end up like that. If I got anywhere close I’d most likely be left feeling far worse, and in danger of severe consequences. Nothing would be resolved, or healed. I would’ve just discovered a new low, and put myself and others at greater risk.
And ‘logical me’ knows that, and knows I’m never going to pursue that course. ‘Emotional me’ on the other hand is stubbornly fixated on it. It’s the desperate longing that torments me last thing at night, and wakes me feeling empty and despairing.
It deranges me. I have dumb addict brain. I’ve tried so many things to change it, but it’s hard-wired too deep. Wasted so many months in therapy exposing my darkest self. This obsessive fantasy still just gnaws away at me, constantly under the surface.
I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to take any steps away from darkness, when I have this thing tormenting me at my core. I want peace, but I don’t know how to let it go. How to stop wanting what I know would only make things worse.