i can barely think. it’s as if my brain had stopped running. i don’t know how or what or why, i don’t know how i feel.my emotions and thoughts feel mechanical if i try to observe myself with attention, but if i don’t try i can barely notice a thing. nothing really goes on in my head anymore.
but this is normal.
i just want to be back to being miserable, i miss having an episode, i wish i could cry and go into panic attacks, i don’t know who i am without those emotions. that was once the only acceptable state i could see myself in, i don’t know why i feel this way, i don’t know why.
i remember this one morning, i woke up to my mother yelling and it somehow triggered all the negatives and i just couldn’t take it, i faintly have a concept of that morning, but at the same time, i dont remember, i can’t remember. the images and memories slipped out of my fingertips like foam of shampoo under the shower, like grains of sand on your feet after a wave of tide hit the beach.
do you know the feeling of waking up from a dream knowing you’ve had a dream? it was like that. but now it’s different, i’ve been like this countless times and i still doubt if the thoughts and emotions and physical feelings were just made up in my head, but i’ve been like this so many times, i should have learned but i didn’t. it’s almost as if i’m normal.
in the standard of a robot.
laughters, memories, imagination, creativity, colorful minds and memories and the music and tones
death and birth, and thoughts under that blur in the head.
in the end, who am i to decide?
if i don’t think about my state of wellbeing, then i’m well.