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keep doubting

by evianwatre
i can barely think. it’s as if my brain had stopped running. i don’t know how or what or why, i don’t know how i feel.my emotions and thoughts feel mechanical if i try to observe myself with attention, but if i don’t try i can barely notice a thing. nothing really goes on in my head anymore.
but this is normal.
i just want to be back to being miserable, i miss having an episode, i wish i could cry and go into panic attacks, i don’t know who i am without those emotions. that was once the only acceptable state i could see myself in, i don’t know why i feel this way, i don’t know why.
i remember this one morning, i woke up to my mother yelling and it somehow triggered all the negatives and i just couldn’t take it, i faintly have a concept of that morning, but at the same time, i dont remember, i can’t remember. the images and memories slipped out of my fingertips like foam of shampoo under the shower, like grains of sand on your feet after a wave of tide hit the beach.
do you know the feeling of waking up from a dream knowing you’ve had a dream? it was like that. but now it’s different, i’ve been like this countless times and i still doubt if the thoughts and emotions and physical feelings were just made up in my head, but i’ve been like this so many times, i should have learned but i didn’t. it’s almost as if i’m normal.
in the standard of a robot.
laughters, memories, imagination, creativity, colorful minds and memories and the music and tones
death and birth, and thoughts under that blur in the head.
in the end, who am i to decide?
if i don’t think about my state of wellbeing, then i’m well.
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boskobay 7/23/2020 - 2:30 pm

I can relate I feel very inhuman in many ways I find no joy in the things that others find joy in. I feel mechanical in ways too, tho I describe it as robotic. I only know pain and suffering, because those are the only emotions and feelings that remain in me. The only things I can feel and stay with me even when everything else is gone. I only feel alive and well when I am suffering. So I Sel sabotage myself in ways that even I don’t truly understand. You are not alone, I would never wish what we go through on anyone.. Just know that if you just stay true to yourself everything will come to make sense maybe not in this lifetime, but it will! The universe has balance so every bit of your suffering you will get your dues! Stay Strong!

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