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random rant.

by maryjain1e

hi, my name isn’t actually mary but i’ll pretend it is to stay anonymous.

i’m a 13 year old who is struggling and wants help. i just want someone to listen to my rant.

my parents are getting divorced. i dont really exactly know how to feel but i hate the way i’ve been feeling. ive been using food, games, and music as a coping mechanism. i’ve gotten so unhealthy and unhappy mentally and physically. i’ve had to move to a whole different country just so my parents could get divorced. no one has realized this has been affecting me so much. it’s been almost a year since i’ve moved here. i hate it so much. i’ve lost all my friends. i hate moving. just when my life was perfect, this ruined it all. i’ve never felt this way before.

i pretend like i hate my dad but deep inside i really don’t. i miss him. i probably won’t be able to tell anybody this, so i’m putting that here. this has been extremely hard to deal with and all i’ve ever wanted was supporting friends that’ll listen to me, love me for who i am, and accept me as a person. i’ve lost that already months ago. i just want to be able to feel happy again, even if i’m not able to have what i used to have when i was happy.

all i EVER asked and will ask during my parents divorce is friends that actually care about me. i’ve just been losing friends every single day. i dropped 2 of my closest best friends because they didn’t care about me anymore. they’ve moved on. i have nobody to go to now for help. nobody has been helping me when i need it the most. is that too much to ask for? friends i can rant to and talk to my problems about?

i’ve been so suicidal from all of this and have been constantly writing my suicide letter crying in my room every day. i would’ve been better and happier if i actually had people by my side. i don’t understand why they left me during this time. do they know how much they’ve affected me?

whenever i used to tell my friends about something good that’s happened to me they would all reply with “cool” “nice” and “ok.” it hurt me so much. to think they don’t care if i’m happy or not. same thing when something bad happened to me. when i told my closest friends i trusted with my whole life my parents were getting divorced, they all had the same reaction. “I’ll miss you” “aw its okay” it was more than just a divorce to me. i wasn’t aware my whole life was gonna change from this. my dream job. my future. it could be all gone. i just want all of this to be over. i never thought i would have to rant to an online site anonymously. i’m so sorry if i sound selfish but i’ve never needed help more in my entire life. i have lost people i would die for. i don’t feel like i’m “living.” i feel like i’m just “existing.”

please write your stories of hope. i need it the most right now. i just want to not feel alone. please write me encouraging words. i’m so upset and depressed. i think about suicide everyday.

-mary

4 comments
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4 comments

unknown 7/22/2020 - 4:58 pm

hi “mary” it’s nice to meet you. i’m a bit older but i know the feeling. kinda. my parents never actually divorced, but nearly did. and have had their fair share of fights. anyways i read your rant and i am incredibly sorry you have to go through this at a young age. i hope we don’t lose another young one to suicide. you’re so much more than that. i know it may seem like life is shit. but i’m hoping there’s light at the end of the tunnel for both of us. i can’t tell any of hope stories because quite frankly i’m not even close to being at that stage. i hope to be soon. you’re young and your “friends” just may not understand. people who don’t have that struggle will not understand what it’s like to want to die. if you ever wanna talk i’m here.

Abnormal.Thoughts 7/23/2020 - 9:16 am

I’m sorry your in this place. I am also a bit older but I immediately think of two things reading this:
The first you will probably hear from everyone older so I apologize for that but it holds true so often, you are so young and have so much opportunity ahead of you. Your not done with major life changes for a while, just try and make those changes good.
Second, you are probably more mature than your friends are at this point, they likely don’t have the mentality to respond in a helpful manner to serious issues, when you have to go through hard times it makes you grow up a little faster.

I can understand losing friends, I am not saying it ever gets easier but there is a famous quote that makes a lot of sense…. I can’t find it so I’ll summarize it the best I can – you have to find new friends as you go through life so you aren’t alone, you need different friends at different stages of your life. (Basically but it was much more eloquent.) Anyways, the point here is to try and find the people who can support you now.
I wish you the best.

boskobay 7/23/2020 - 3:14 pm

First and foremost I want you to know you are not alone and there are tons of kids who are going through and have had to go through your exact situation. I feel like a perfect home is more rare than a broken home. I’m not saying they all went through the exact emotions and thoughts you are going through and feeling, but I can tell you most of us did. I came from a broken home and friends were more like my family than my actual family and they were my everything growing up. I know what it’s like to lose friends, when I lost a friend it was like losing a family member. I can tell you that if they were really your friends they wouldn’t have left you in your time of need. So its good they showed you their true colors, the last thing you need is fake friends in life. So good riddance with them it’s not your lose its theirs. Your young, get out there and make some new friends! You seem like a bright intelligent girl, there will be plenty of new friends to come in your life. I know in this moment in time you feel like your life is over, but its the opposite! Its preparing you for a better future, you just have to give it some time to work itself out. There is always someone to talk to about your problems, don’t think your alone and have to go through your struggles alone. It’s always gonna be a sunny day again once the storm passes…Wait out the storm and you will feel the sun upon your face again, I promise!

Soda 7/24/2020 - 5:11 am

Sorry to hear about what you’re going through Mary. My parents divorced when I was young also. Don’t worry it’s not the end of the world. In fact you might realize it’s the best thing that’s happened.

Imagine if your parents hated each other and fought every day or your dad abused your mom. So in that case it is better they don’t live together. Plus you’ll get 2 birthdays and Christmases, it’s not all bad. 🙂

I’m sorry your friends aren’t that supportive but that’s how kids are at your age, they are selfish but they also lack the verbal skills to show any concern or support. If you have aunts uncles or older friends/relatives to talk to, you’ll find they can be more sympathetic.

You will make new friends. I used to think my friends from grade school would be there for me my whole life. One by one they all disappeared, usually from moving away or we just drifted apart. I mean I know I can still call them up, but we’re so far apart it makes no sense to.

You’re still young so you will definitely make a ton of new friends. Generally the friends you make in college/university (or even high school) will become your friends for life, that’s what happened in my case.

I know divorce is hard to take but in the coming months, years this will just be a blip in your life. Eventually you’ll grow up and be on your own, life moves fast.

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