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The mirror says it all

by tiredofchronicpain
Holy shit. Ok, so let me start with this long-ass story about how I am and why I deserve to die finally.
Rewind 15 years ago:
“Young love does not exist”. This was a sentence I read, carved on an oak wooden table by some teenager who did not even know what they wrote.
Teachers would warn me about playing too much, and wasting my years away, how it all would make us fail.
Fast forward 15 years, and here I am as a 31-year-old creature, I guess, with nothing to be proud of. I see an empty face in the mirror, a face I do not know anymore. I am obliged to live in a house that is not mine, with no spouse, no children, and a job causing me to be another rat-on-a-wheel.
My siblings, on the other hand, are both STEM PhD students in nuclear physics; of where my one sibling found the dream woman, who happened to be a model, right after his return to our homeland.(Life cannot get better.)
So clearly, I wasn’t this lucky…
As for me, I battled a lifelong war trying to find the perfect one, albeit approaching over 10000 women in my younger years and gotten nowhere. I am afraid to say how low I am in the eyes of modern-day women. Being this dissolute caused me to be very depressed, a culprit, along with lifelong mentally illnesses resulting from this. I would say that perpetual celibacy ruined my life, and was one of the very sour cards life handed me. It really carve you with deep-cuts after your dream woman tells you ‘I just do not feel ‘it’ for you’. This happened in 2017, where I finally just gave up on love altogether.
I am losing lots of sleep knowing these 180 degrees turn my life is going to. Living in this country where I can run but basically can never hide because around every corner there is a Jill or Jack knowing everything about you.
For all of you who do not understand how it is living in my country, it is a 3rd world, rurally based Country, consisting of small towns(similar to Counties) around every larger city. There are huge divides between the haves and have-nots, showing a binary resemblance of ‘either you are a success or a failure,’ This places an immense burden on people like me, with diminished potential, in a world where logic, sequencing, and an analytical mind is of top priority.
If you fail, everyone knows about it. If you get fired, people gossip and talk about it behind your back. On every corner, people would smile and wave when they see you, but behind your back, they eves-drop to your every defeat.
So, why do I truly want to die? Why do I believe it is my time to go? Let me explain in more detail:
3 years ago, I gave myself an ultimatum; I gave myself a time-limit of 3 years to make it work. I did not want to be a loser at age 30, with no girlfriend, house, children, and losing out to my siblings. This is what I did NOT want my life to become, and lo-and-behold, it is exactly what I became.
-As the oldest sibling of 3, I never wanted to lose out in life to younger siblings. I truly find it painful to see that I am losing out far behind. You see, when you lose out to a younger brother/sister, it is as if a constant in your lie is changing. The constant of always being equal, where your whole family basically abandoned you and afraid of calling you their own, a pitiful rejection of the very people close by, ashamed of you. It devastates me to see what my life has become.
I soon will become an uncle, staring at children that I will never have, and wish I could. Having to soar through all the joys of seeing love int the eyes of other people – Love I will never experience because of my dysmorphic face, and my life being in shambles.
I can’t fucking believe this is really happening. Is this like a cosmic joke or something? I probably did something very wrong in a previous life to have gotten this beating. Yeah, incelness is more than just being alone; it nullifies you as a human being. It drives you to the culprit of acknowledging your loss that you are basically nothing.
This is me at 30. It is not going to get better. I accomplished nothing. Graduated from Uni with a degree in Mathematics, whilst my siblings would become top researchers with PhD’s in STEM subjects alike. I dropped out out of the Master’s program because of my umbrella of mental illness coupled with reduced intelligence, hence multiple head injuries I sustained throughout my years, playing competitive sports and being exposed to Carbon Monoxide poisoning. (The monoxide poisoning changed my personality – stuttering when I speak, taking prolonged times writing even simple sentences, and really struggle holistically.)
Aggregately, I struggled with mental illnesses, chronic fatigue, anxiety for my whole life now. Since immigrating thrice(To Canada, Australia, and back), I have battled with lots of demons, getting the better of me just now.(Yes, I have immigrated 3 times, wasting my life away by never building long-term bonds, and eventually becoming another cog in the machine, landing up back at the drawing board.)
I cannot do it anymore.
Looking at all the posts on here, I feel very assorted in my position. I do not see other posts from 30 somethings feeling like they lose out to siblings, along with all these droppings of ill-fated failures sprinkled in-between. I do not see posts of others with real intellectual challenges, who truly which they were more intelligent and just could make it.
I just want to go back to being in my youth. There isn’t a day going by where I do not miss those mellow days of being young; days when everyone was equal once, right? These were the best of times where I soared as a human; being good looking, I aspired to rise up to fame and believed in my abilities.
There were times where pseudonyms like ‘incel’ or ‘perpetual celibacy’ didn’t exist, as we were young enough to turn things around, to ramp up the audio for a greater magnitude of life, and the beats never stopped…
I really, really do not know what to make of this whole bag of beans. I am baffled and mute. It is as if the 3rd wall is now broken, leaving me with just myself to blame and look at. Realising that it is not that the world went too fast, but that I am left behind. That I remained stationary, along with the world moving away from me too fast.
I thought I would be so much better off coming back to my hometown, after years of being abroad and shaping myself. My worst fears were to lose out to the common herd, and fuck it, I really did,
I do not want to die, but I cannot live with this pain anymore. I truly, thought this will be the worst that my life can get to. Let me give the synopsis:
-Best friend at school completely kicked my arse. Because of my attractive features being young, people had a natural affinity to like me; never lost out being the favourite of every teacher. The one person I wanted to beat, I lost to. Yup, he is married as well with a well-paying job. Now, I face facial disfigurement and just general ugliness. The life I knew is well away.
-Sibling getting married, having kids, graduated Cum Laude, while I am being left in the dust. I can’t compete anymore. I am done.
-I have extreme body dysmorphic disorder. After receiving a root canal 4 years ago, My whole tooth darkened and it makes me perpetually disgusted at myself. Few people my age have rotten teeth, how the hell did someone trying their best to protect their teeth gotten to this point?
-My depression and anxiety is skyrocketing. I am always self-aware, feeling jittery. I barely can drive or walk without having a panic attack or some sort of surreal-episode.
(Yea, I am that fucked up.)
-My IQ is down the toilet. I have always being a mechanical-minded person, not very mathematical, even though I studied mathematics. I know, sounding conflicting? I basically only passed my papers, so this doesn’t count.
-Back to a 3rd-world country where I am being beaten for my failure, currently at my final warning before I am being kicked out of my job. The whole town will know of this anyways, and I cannot move back to Canada, either. The net revenue I collected after only a year of working at this crap job, cannot make up for a plane ticket back to where I really would like to be, just to be away from everyone and everything and start all over again.
-Both my Siblings kicking my arse in life – I can’t keep up. My fatigue renders any possible success obsolete. I just do not feel as if I truly want to keep fighting for more superior paid-positions. It is as if the black dog chases me continuously.
-The generation my age already own property, whilst I am still living with family members who are feeling too sorry for me to let me go homeless. (Unable to rent, because this is also too bloody expensive.)
-I just want to retire. May I please now retire? I’ve had enough. I had the best days being young; there is nothing left for me anymore.
I truly gave it my all.
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2 comments

Sbilko 7/6/2020 - 6:26 pm

Hi there, Thank you for writing your story! It’s really interesting!

Having a STEM PhD and a wonderful wife is truly amazing, rejoice for your siblings! (have they TRULY excaped from being a rat in the wheel, though? There is so much more to life than society’s standards!)

Please, let me tell you a real story: it was a man who was searching for the perfect partner. After like 2 or 3 decades he finally found her, but the problem was that she didn’t think he’s the perfect partner.

There is no perfect partner, there is no soul mate: there is, however, compatible people. Now, one can work his way around any person, so long as the other person doesn’t try to control everything in your life. But we, in our society, have taught people to be prideful; I think this is why the people of these days find it so hard to live with another person. With work, you can make it work with almost everyone!

It’s ok, it’s ok! Love is abundant if you’re willing to humble yourself! If you want a wife you can still have one, it’s just that she’ll be a person with flaws, just like everyone else. Those who are deemed perfect just have hidden flaws.

“On every corner, people would smile and wave when they see you, but behind your back, they eves-drop to your every defeat.”
Yeah, in my country they’re like that too! Only that if they’ve wronged you, they won’t wave and may even throw you some indirect insult.

I was once told a story of a young man who was studying Medicine. They kept him all day in the Laboratory, doing experiments. One day he just was like “I don’t want to feel enclosed like rat here anymore”, and he left the Degree and everything. I don’t know what he was up to after that.

Have you ever tried playing a guitar and travelling through the countryside? Yeah, exactly like back when you were young ^^,

“it is exactly what I became.”
You didn’t become it, it’s just that nothing much seems to have changed — but don’t attack yourself over it, it’s hard to produce true change; instead, please look at what you can change from now on.

“Graduated from Uni with a degree in Mathematics”
Whoa, that’s a huge achievement! Please, don’t downplay it!! Even if you just passed your papers, most people don’t get this far!!

Yeah, I too am more mechanically minded, but went down the humanities branch.

“taking prolonged times writing even simple sentences”
I truly appreciate that, despite all the hardships in writing, you wrote such a wonderful and intricate story, your story!

“and really struggle holistically”
I encourage you to keep searching!! After a restless 3 years of search for truth, I found all meaning and purpose and Love and everything, in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Having studied Mathematics, you have a whole new perspective in searching for solutions and truth! I’d love to share with you this quote:

“The purpose of life is to seek after the highest truth and to never divert from that road even when they force you to serve the purposes of the lowest form of truth”
– Saint Luke, Bishop of Simferopol

“I struggled with mental illnesses, chronic fatigue, anxiety for my whole life now.”
I’m truly sorry for all your pains; you’re a really strong person!

There is so much to life! It’s just that you measure a life’s value by the person’s “success” — a quite arbitrary term, imposed by society on yourself. Why not, instead, have a goal, like the pursuit of truth; or, to the very least, a calm life with a guitar?

Please, do not envy your siblings, envy never leads to anything good. You can still live a wonderful life!

vagabond 7/6/2020 - 10:56 pm

I don’t know about nobody else having severe intellectual problems on here, I took antidepressants when I was 17 that ripped my brain apart like a wet tissue in a blender. It literally takes me years to realize things that would normally take me days. They ruined my life. Ofc my life has been ruined many times over, but I believe that instance was the most painful, as well as irreversible.

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