Hey there lovely fellas, I’m new 😀
Cuz well, to be honest I don’t know what to do any more, where to go and … I don’t know, exist?
I’ve been struggling with sadness (maybe depression but I have no idea actually), anxiety, panic, self-loathing and some other minor issues for several years; last year had a bit of an up as I was in another country; new environment, new start, but this year’s been a hell of a down. Mostly due to Corona I suppose, thanks for that, you damn virus. Also I’ve lost the one I’ve been holding on to, my anchor basically you could say right in that time, which kinda adds to already existing trouble and the isolation and abandonment issues due to Covid. I always expected or rather forced myself to handle my shit myself and tried not letting anyone know but I see now, that it probably really won’t end well if I keep on doing that, cuz it’s not only my self-harm that’s getting more severe. So, recently I even tried getting help and called this psychological support thingy my university offers, but well they told me I have to do it over telephone (again, thanks Corona) (and anxiety basically screams “NOOOO, we shall not”) but I still said okay cuz I feel maybe it’s one of my last straws to hold on right now, but well also, they said they can only offer an appointment in about a month, which kinda sucks.
I don’t know how long I can hold on any more. I’m not suicidal, don’t get me wrong, I feel my issues are not enough for that kinda, and if I’d kill myself I’d disappoint and make the last few people who care about me sad which I really don’t intend to do. And also, although I feel stupid saying so, I’m kinda scared of going to hell for it.
Man, up in my head, it’s a real mess right now. I keep punishing myself for practically everything, today and yesterday not only with beatings and cutting but also not eating, cuz I felt I didn’t deserve the precious food. I have anxiety (attacks?) on a daily basis not even speaking of my down episodes. Also now, I am in another midday crisis, probably not the last one today and I’m really just tired. So tired of it all.
Thanks for reading this shit about my unnecessary & worthless life and I hope you’re all having a good day. 🙂