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Wanted a life and was denied

by torimandy

I’m a transsexual woman. I transitioned late in my life. 9 years ago at 44 years of age. Transition cost me my career, every family connection to include my children and any hope for a normal life. I have been homeless 3 times since transition. I have been dismissed from crappy jobs just because I transitioned. Now, even though I am legally female, i am facing incarceration with men just because a judge wants to make a point.

I have had 5 serious attempts. Now faced with the reality that I will forever be alone as no person wants to create any kind of a life with me beyond the bedroom, I am ready to give it a try again

Nobody gets what being totally alone does to you. To not be supported by the medical community or by society. All I wanted was a chance. That chance will never be allowed in America, at least not in my lifetime. No reason to go on.

I will publish my note and wishes on my birthday next month

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19 comments

thehusk 7/28/2020 - 6:49 pm

I’m sorry for your troubles. I have some understanding of what it means to be totally alone, though for very different reasons.

It seems like the world is slowly moving toward being more accepting of trans people – who knows where things will be a decade from now.

torimandy 7/28/2020 - 10:14 pm

I’m 54. My time has passed. I could give a fuck about ten years from now.

imissyou 7/29/2020 - 10:11 pm

Being trans can be a really lonely road. Just know you are not alone. <3

torimandy 7/30/2020 - 12:11 pm

Yea right. I am totally alone and always will be Know i’m not alone is just rediculious

torimandy 7/31/2020 - 12:43 pm

I love the people recommending medication and mental health. No amount of mental health services and medication are going to change the way society treats me. I spent 2 and a half years so zoned out by medication, I didn’t even know where I was at. That’s no solution. I have never had an advocate do anything for me than attempt to distract me with resources through an internet search. None have ever done anything. The mental health people think being like this has to do with my mind and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Before you suggest stupidity please put yourself into my shoes.

sgiksw 8/1/2020 - 2:26 am

I understand. Im alone and have been years. Society is an asshole. I understand what you must be going through. Ive dealt with hormonal issues years. I dont want to be here either and i hate to read posts encouraging people to stay. I believe self euthansia should be legal. You need love and friends and acceptance. It may seem trans people are becoming more accepted but its not gonna be 10 years, prolly 100 or more. Especially in the ancient world of the good ole usa. I know doctors can be real shitty about giving out hormones and wanna present all kinds o reasons why not, but they really do effect emotions and mood. I know thyroid hormones help me to feel less suicidal. I just hate myself so much that no amount of feeling good can make me pretty Physically, im a hideous man looking female. This world worships beauty and quite honestly i dont want anyone to ever have to look at my f-up face(by surgeon). Their is no soul left in people anymore. They all worship their addictions. Whatever that is, drugs, drink, narcissism, money, power, etc. No one is pure of heart and no one can afford to be. When you are true, the world rejects and ignores. Play the fakers game and have support. Id say, find your addiction. For some, i guess its love. Theyve sold us that that is the reason but its bs, and a hassle. And not for everyone. Id say, get an animal, but thye dont talk back.

sgiksw 8/1/2020 - 3:00 am

Or the good ole, fond a hobby or something you love. Theres diff kinds of love and f everyone what thye think of you. Youre a human and you have every right to be here, as much as they do. Im certain youre a very cool person. Ignore the haters.

torimandy 8/1/2020 - 3:02 am

HAHAHA. LOVE? Thats what I was looking for, but the majority of the population gets any info about trans from porn. All I get offers for are experimentation and 15 minutes of fun I dont even like sex. I wanted a partner in life. I now, 10 years later have realized nobody cares about me the person.

torimandy 8/1/2020 - 6:00 am

I can’t afford hobby’s. This is what happens when nobody will hire you after you transition. I’ve been fired from shit jobs because customers have said they won’t do business if I am there. There is no help or resource to overcome this. It’s why the few who do support trans need to do more than just say it. Alas, those with the resources to make a difference will never use them for my betterment. Those with the desire never have resources that can make a difference.

sgiksw 8/1/2020 - 7:01 pm

Yeah, i know. I cant afford hobbies either. And to be honest, theres nothing i care about anymore, everything takes too much effort and energy. And im sorry but im in the last class, if i had the money to help i would, im one of those. If i was wealthy id never, ever give to charity, id find people like you and help people personally. Thats such crappy judgement, there should be discrimination laws against trans people. How bout training to work from home? You need to find your own kind? Where do you live? Maybe you could move to a more trans friendly city? If you were working from home.

sgiksw 8/1/2020 - 7:04 pm

Im asexual. I hate sex. I get it, everyone sexualizes everything. Even women, dont want to just be friends, too afraid people will think were lesbians. All men want is sex. Ive never met one man that didnt sexually harass me, physically or verbally.

- 8/3/2020 - 8:13 pm

Lmao yeah right

torimandy 8/3/2020 - 1:26 am

Find my own kind? Yea, I am a human looking for other humans. Work from home? making nothing, as I’ve never seen anyone make real money in a work from home gig. Still have to sell your services. Still have to stand in front of a person to be turned down. Just face it There are zero viable options. None at all. Just wish me luck and stop throwing stuff against the wall.

Soda 8/3/2020 - 3:01 pm

I’ve been curious about this topic and did a fair bit of research. I’ve noticed there are some mtf trans people who are fully passable and seem to be accepted by society.

However there is the risk of losing all your friends, family, job and you also have risk to your health from hormones and surgery (if taken). So it’s a huge change with very little benefits apart from feeling that you’re in the right body.

I think many trans people imagine once they transition it’ll work out really well and they’d be accepted. Unfortunately there is a great deal of hate/bigotry esp from religious people towards the LGBT community.

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you as you hoped. It takes hard work and courage to go against the grain in society. Since you did it about 9 years ago, certainly you faced even more resentment from people than one would today.

The problem with transitioning is that it’s often done without the thought of the consequences. I’d recommend that people avoid transitioning unless they will be fully passable and either have accepting family/friends/jobs or can handle being mostly alone afterwards.

I understand your desire for suicide, we all have our reasons for being here. I see life as something of a game, you play your cards and sometimes you luck out and others times you lose. So if life doesn’t go in one’s way then it does make sense to know when to leave the table.

In my case I’ve made bad decisions but also had some bad breaks that ruined my opportunities. I’m in my late 40s and I’m going to try to see if I can improve my situation but if I can’t then I will probably end it by my mid-50s. I’ve seen and done most of the things I’ve wanted to and there’s little holding me here.

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