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What if

by CARLOSPEJUAN

What if I never make it? What if this is it and I’m bound to be in debt and poor forever? What if this is the sole epitome of my existence? The nadir now far behind me. A glimpse to the past reveals all I can be with a future looking nothing but dismal. I had it all except a brain. Gee now I have nothing. I’m studying, but will that be enough? Will I perform? What will I do? Now I cant even have sex very well. The medications ruined my stamina and my drive. They also ruined my hardness in case anyone was wondering. Then again nobody is trying to sleep with me so no need for Viagra. I am so pathetic. If all goes well and I finish school what will I do? What if I don’t finish school? What If I end up as a poorly paid prostitute due to the lack of looks? What if I lose both my parents and it makes me go psychotic? What if I lose my impulse control and end up doing something I regret? What if I get accused of a crime I didn’t commit? What if I end up actually commiting a crime or hitting someone on the road on accident? What if I never find love? What if I get a traumatic brain injury? What if I’m clarivoyant? What if I’m just paranoid? What if I’m never good enough to be a mason? What if secret societies are best left alone and kept secret? What if what I really want is something different than to be part of a group? But, is that it? Is that the highlight of my lowlife? I wonder…

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

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