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Will I make it to Friday?

by imissyou

I’m thinking about killing myself tonight.
I have a bunch of anxiety surrounding this restraining order situation. If I just kill myself, it will go away.
I’m sick of going onto yes or no tarot card reading websites asking what is going to happen.
Will she ever talk to me again? Is the restraining order going to expire? Will it be extended?
I’m sick of worrying and waiting.
I’ve felt so stuck on the situation. Like I truly haven’t been able to move on in 5 whole freaking years….I feel like an absolute failure.
I don’t think life after solitary confinement is worth living. How do you move on after being tortured?
The place I worked at with this person keeps posting videos, and I just think about how much bullshit what they say in their videos is. They talked in one video about the sense of community that is developed at camp, and how your camp friends are there to pick you up when you fall. Where were they when I went to jail? Or got out of jail?
Oh yeah, they were my accusers.
I initially went to this camp to attend a counselor in training program, and it wasn’t half bad. The thing was that my friend convinced me to go when I was a teenager since she had grown up going to this place. I made a lot of “friends,” but now that I am older I realize that it wasn’t really good for me. The “friends” I made were really bad influences.  I had access to drugs that I didn’t have before going through the program, and when I finally left a lot of these bad influences, I got accused by my supervisor of harassment when I was looking for closure. Maybe I was seen as a bad influence myself. Working as a counselor gave me a sense of purpose that I haven’t been able to find since. I’m in the middle of trying to sue the camp as much as I really didn’t want it to end this way. You can change all you want, but it doesn’t matter. It’s just when your attempts to communicate your needs and feelings and find a sense of closure are chalked up to purposeless communication, what can you do?
I was treated like such a purposeless burden…..like complete trash. It’s been 5 years, and I still can’t pick up the pieces. Maybe if I end it, people will feel better.

4 comments
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4 comments

Sbilko 7/23/2020 - 4:51 am

Why want this woman when there are so many others? A broken heart is healed if one lets it heal by starting to see other women.

Please, do not take your life, please read this:
wikihow. com/Cope-with-Suicidal-Thoughts
And please use the “Suicide Resources” that are on this website, on the right side; they’re there to help you.

I can’t understand why would anyone take one’s life over a woman, when there are so many others.

A friend of my cousin had her boyfriend leave her, and tried it. Her parents, friends (including my cousin) were absolutely devastated. Please, reconsider, for there is so much to live for. There are sooo many people that love you and care about you, many more than you realize.

Yeah, about the “sense of community that is developed at camp”, it’s marketing lies. We have to discern what is true, for ourselves.

maryjain1e 7/23/2020 - 12:00 pm

you may not know it, but there are so many people in this world that care about you, even if you may not know it yet. please don’t leave us.

the right person will come to you at the right time. you can do this. i know you can.

boskobay 7/23/2020 - 2:14 pm

I think killing yourself would only confirm these emotionless peoples idea of you. Don’t let them get the best of you! First off, No one has the right to judge you! If you are truly innocent than STAY STRONG! Justice always prevails in this life or the next.

Soda 7/24/2020 - 4:36 am

The fact that you’re thinking about the restraining order and when it will expire seems to indicate that you haven’t let go of obsessing about this other person who clearly doesn’t want you.

I once met this girl, we hit it off really well at least in the beginning I knew she liked me as much as I liked her. Unfortunately she lost interest and was into someone else. We drifted apart but I was always hoping that she still felt the same way about me, but she didn’t.

So I knew logically what we had was over. But emotionally it took me many months to get her “out of my system.” That is I stopped thinking about her, focused on other girls and things in my life.

Finally I was over her and regretted ever being so infatuated with her.

What you need to do is realize that your behavior is getting your into serious trouble. Getting a restraining order means that she’s already told you off but you refused to listen, so more drastic measures were needed to keep you away from her.

I don’t know you or your situation, I’m only responding to what I’ve read here so far, so I’m sure I might be missing out on some pertinent facts.

Instead of obsessing over this one girl who clearly wants nothing to do with you, you should work on getting over her and moving on with your life. If you’ve spent time in jail then certainly you wouldn’t want to end up there again.

Also realize that people need space. If you did it to this person, then how will you constrain yourself from the next one? If you want love/intimacy/respect then you need to listen to what others want as well and give them distance and time.

In my example above, it was hard for me to accept I could no longer be with that girl I really wanted so I grieved over my loss and then worked on getting over her. Emotions are not rational so you have to get them under control.

Talk to people close to you. You mentioned being paranoid in another post. I can relate, left to myself I think I’d more likely misread people intentions from incomplete information and almost every time I turned out to have been wrong.

I’ve usually shared my ideas/opinions with those close to me as a sounding board to realize I was incorrect in my assessment. So other people can be a valuable resource, use them.

Just remember if you don’t manage yourself, then you well get managed by other people. We don’t live in a vacuum our actions have real consequences so be careful in how you behave towards others.

And I don’t believe this is worth killing yourself over. Just read all the posts here, people do try to offer good advice, hopefully you’ll find it help to improve your situation. Please stop reading tarot cards or horoscopes it’s all bs. Live in reality.

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